It may come as a surprise to you, or it may be obvious, but when I have too much time to myself, I tend to get into some crazy mental space that overanalyzes whatever is bothering me at the moment. I’ve always been fascinated by dreams and they are no exemption to my analysis. For example, my love affair of the past 5 years with Guns N Roses started with a very hot dream I had about Axl Rose. When my dreams take a darker turn than a tryst with a rock star, it tends to stick with me for a long, long time.
A few days back, I had a dream in which my husband left me for my own good (?!) and then my father told me in the cruelest way possible he had no interest in having anything to do with me at all. If you know anything about me at all, I just don’t cry. I may if someone dies, but otherwise, this well is dry. I do believe I was crying for the entire dream. I was overwhelmed at the calloused nature of people I cared about.
What has really gotten into my head is not what happened in the dream itself, but why in the world I’m still stuck on the daddy issues. It also irritates me to no end that these thoughts tend to come up out of nowhere and sucker punch me. I went to bed that night happy and in no way thinking about my father. Mmm… Axl. Sorry.
I’m 30 years old. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I haven’t had much to do with my dad, or him with me, since. 15 years ago people. I would like to think that I’m a well adjusted grown up. The more I get to thinking about people’s issues (and let me tell you, everyone has at least one), the more I realize that they never go away. They sit quietly in the back of your head, driving certain behaviors and habits and just waiting to remind you that somehow, you are messed up in the head. I have been trying my entire life to process those few years and just move the heck on already, but I never seem to eradicate it all together.
Ah well. It does seem to have wormed it’s way into who I am, so I can’t say I need to get rid of these issues altogether. I just wish we could stop with the sucker punching.