It may come as a surprise to you, or it may be obvious, but
when I have too much time to myself, I tend to get into some crazy mental space
that overanalyzes whatever is bothering me at the moment. I’ve always been fascinated by dreams and they
are no exemption to my analysis. For
example, my love affair of the past 5 years with Guns N Roses started with a
very hot dream I had about Axl Rose. When
my dreams take a darker turn than a tryst with a rock star, it tends to stick
with me for a long, long time.
A few days back, I
had a dream in which my husband left me for my own good (?!) and then my father
told me in the cruelest way possible he had no interest in having anything to
do with me at all. If you know anything
about me at all, I just don’t cry. I may if someone dies, but otherwise, this
well is dry. I do believe I was crying for the entire dream. I was overwhelmed
at the calloused nature of people I cared about.
What has really gotten into my head is not what happened in
the dream itself, but why in the world I’m still stuck on the daddy issues. It
also irritates me to no end that these thoughts tend to come up out of nowhere
and sucker punch me. I went to bed that night happy and in no way thinking
about my father. Mmm… Axl. Sorry.
I’m 30 years old. My
parents divorced when I was 15 and I haven’t had much to do with my dad, or him
with me, since. 15 years ago people. I would like to think that I’m a well adjusted
grown up. The more I get to thinking about people’s issues (and let me tell
you, everyone has at least one), the more I realize that they never go away.
They sit quietly in the back of your head, driving certain behaviors and habits
and just waiting to remind you that somehow, you are messed up in the
head. I have been trying my entire life
to process those few years and just move the heck on already, but I never seem
to eradicate it all together.
Ah well. It does seem to have wormed it’s way into who I am,
so I can’t say I need to get rid of these issues altogether. I just wish we
could stop with the sucker punching.
Becky
