Mood: Sedated
Listening to: The birds singing and the odd non-lockdown type traffic
I'm back for another round of self analysis and therapeutic writing. I know, I know; always another problem. But writing is my only hope these days now that I actually value a functioning liver.
The past few weeks - and if we want to be completely honest, the past 6 months - have been a rough ride. COVID has marched back in to Fuck Up People's Lives once again, I am back at home and not in the office, my kids are not in school, and work has turned into a 5 ring circus complete with flaming bowling pins I am supposed to be juggling. On top of that, my boyfriend has fucked off to his home state for a very long time and I'm dealing with some pretty tough issues with my elder daughter. I also have both my kids all the time now. Both my ex husband and my children have made it quite impossible for me to have them stay with him.
I have pretty good stamina for treading water and keeping my head above - both physically and metaphorically. But as with anyone I suppose, I reach a point where it all just becomes too much. I'm at one of those points right now. They key is to keep kicking just enough so that you don't drown, because once you go under, it's 3 times as hard to kick your way back to the surface. I can't afford to go to bed for a few weeks and ignore everything that's bothering me.
I've talked many times about how I very much strive to be good at things. ALL THE THINGS. As I've been thinking about what is going wrong recently, I've been questioning some of my goals. I have been known to bite off the wrong amount on occasion. Ahem Ahem. But I don't think that's the case in my current situation. I recently made a big mistake at work. The kind that make people wonder if they should actually fire you for. It's no secret, I'm handling way more than I should be or am qualified for. But I do my job well most of the time and do not drop much. I am vastly understaffed and the strategy I have been using thus far needs to be re-thought. I find myself struggling to keep up with a rapidly changing company and position. I have the same thoughts about my parenting skills. No one will ever mistake me for the world's best parent, but I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Very wrong.
Now that I've thought about it, those are the two issues that are really bothering me at present - work, and the parenting issue. And my support system being in a village thousands of miles away. Not cool. The rest are irritating, but will pass eventually. I have this unfortunate tendency to let ALL THE THINGS overwhelm me rather than just sitting down and paying attention to the root cause of what's bothering me and then making changes. Blah blah blah, healthy self aware adult behaviors blah blah. My strategy once I do identify these things is to identify the root cause and then try to change procedure until the situation has to change in the way I want it to. It's mainly effective, but not always.
Now that I've done this little exercise, I feel much better. Writing therapy successful.
On a brighter note, the gym has opened again, and I have quite a few sore muscles. Working out at home is not my cup of tea.
Becky
