Let's Talk About Feminism - And How Not to Fuck it Up.

Listening to: Irreplaceable by Beyonce
Mood: Stable and Positive

I was going to label this as a manifesto, but then again, no one really takes angry rants seriously. Time to get out the big kid underpants readers and tackle something heavy. We're going to act like adults and discuss it rationally. If you're not old enough to be reading about sex, for god's sake, what are you doing wandering around on the internet? Go outside and play.

So. Feminism, rape, gender roles, oppression and sex by proxy have been blowing up on the news as of late due to the very unfortunate Elliot Rogers incident. As I've no doubt mentioned many, many times, I live in India. Feminism as the western world understands it, does not exist here. There are a few small movements, but the overall culture here is far more repressive and violent than most westerners can imagine, none the less understand. So feminism has been on my mind for a while before this tragic event even hit the news. Historically, younger women (especially my generation) have struggled to define what feminism is, because it obviously doesn't have the same face as our grandmothers' feminism did fighting to vote. Let me quantify exactly what feminism means to me after long, and intensive contemplation.

Feminism is not:

1. Mysandry. This is hating on men. Men are not inherently evil (or any more evil than people are in general, which is another story). Many times, they are just as much victims (or unconscious participants) of cultural conditioning as women are. Aiming anger at men is not going to change anything and is counterproductive. A change of thought is required in both of the sexes.

2. Victimhood. I have heard far too much whining that we're being oppressed. While this may be true in some circumstances, I'm talking about the kind of whining that people do about useless stuff that they have no intention of trying to change.

3. Entitlement. I will qualify this as anything besides entitlement to equality/basic respect ideas. You are not entitled to a job just because you are a women. Nor are you entitled to expect a man to buy you dinner. Or a seat on the subway. Chivalry as it existed in storybooks is dead ladies and gentlemen. No one is entitled to anything from the opposite sex besides common decency.

Feminism is:

1. Equality.  In our attempt to make sense of the world by segregating by physical differences, we have forgotten that we're all humans. Perhaps at some point in the past, it made sense to see women as weak, or property, or whatever shit made sense at that point in time. However, just as science, math, philosophy, geography and economic theory have changed with time and enlightenment, so must our view on the sexes. We are definitely not the same, but we are all equals.

2. Not acting like an entitled asshole. This applies to everyone. If an old lady is struggling with bags and you're a girl - open the damn door for that lady. If you're a young lady and an old man gets on the subway, remove your behind and let him sit if he's so inclined. If you're a man, and an older guy needs some help carrying something - help out. The help/courtesy may well be declined, but it is still your responsibility to try. Girl, boy, whatever you identify as. Really, this doesn't need much explanation, but people do seem to forget this simple principle. It doesn't matter who you are - don't be a jerk.

3. Challenging the current environment of fear. This one is more difficult than the previous two. Cultural attitudes are sometimes almost impossible to change over the long term, not to even mention the short term. One of the biggest disservices that society has done to women is to make them fearful. In most cases, this fear springs from physical differences between the sexes. Men over all are larger and stronger than women. They are also equipped with body parts that can rape a woman if they are so inclined. This fear is not without a bit of justification, but has flown WAY out of proportion. Making women afraid of their own sexuality, normal interactions with men, and making women afraid of rape has made women move into a victim-hood mentality. This benefits no one. To be sure, rape is a horrible thing, which I wish on no one. The US has a horrible fascination with rape that leads to dramatic television series and dire warnings to women to be fearful. Again, this benefits no one. Girls/women should be aware of their surroundings, just as anyone should. Crime is not limited to rape - it affects both sexes. Being aware of your environment and being in control of yourself and your surroundings is just good, solid common sense.

4. Challenging Cultural Expectations of both sexes. This I feel is the hardest issue of all. As I mentioned above, changing these things takes an extremely long time and is very difficult. It also takes awareness on the part of individuals. All the time. I like to think of myself as an enlightened person, who thinks about issues. I still find myself carelessly applying labels like bitch and dickhead in my head when I get mad. It's a fight to not vilify or dismiss sexuality or body parts. How the fuck did we even get here??? Body parts are just that. We have 2 different sets for two different purposes. Labeling something as such doesn't refer to that, it refers to your inability to correctly insult something that bothers you. This is way too big of a point to actually be a  point. We'll conquer this a different way.

Look kids, sex, feminism, and and not being a dick apply to us all. Ladies, our feminism isn't the same as our Grandmothers'. That doesn't mean it's not important nor valid. It is. To a even greater degree. We've gained a bit of ground, let's use that to gain equality, not mess it up on stupid shit.

Women, there is no wrong version of feminism besides the one that vilifies men.  If you want to be a submissive housewife by your own choice, that's no less being a feminist than one who doesn't want a man at all.

The key word here is choice. Every woman has the choice to live her life as she sees fit, without involuntary submission or apologies to anyone. Every single woman has the right to chose her path, sexual or otherwise without the need to explain anything to anyone at all.

Ladies, support each other - suppression is the cheap version of competition. A quality woman doesn't need to put another woman down in order to succeed.

V is for Vagina

Listening to: My Kids Playing

Mood: Pissed.

Hello there. What a lovely day we have going on. Sky is blue…grass is green. Why yes, I am procrastinating, how did you know? I have some mad procrastinating skills. Writing is just so much more fun than working. Skipping along to V today because this just made me so angry. Watch out people, I’m digging out the soap box.

So. I was watching my absolute favorite TV host last night on the internet because Comedy Central in India isn’t able to air John the same day he tapes – probably to censor and avoid episodes that use words like vagina. Once again, the US is up to some asshattery about women and their bodies. John suggested that since we have a war on Christmas and a war on women, why not just use some Christmas to neutralize the war on women – more specifically, using a manger to keep US policy makers out of a place they have no business being. As usual, this studly TV host has a hilarious way of pointing out when people are being absurd. “The catholic church” subsequently got their panties all in a bunch. Because you know, how dare you mention Vaginas and an inference to Jesus in the same sentence? How dare you use religion to mock anything?

Catholic church, you’re up first. Would you please stop crying like a whiney little toddler? We all know the function of humor and comedians. Stop putting religion where it has no place. This is a political issue (which all too often is mixed up with religion these days). The entire point of this satire was not to skewer the church, but to skewer the politicians who seem to think it’s their prerogative to be up in people’s reproductive business. It was also a jab at the talking heads. You are not talking heads Catholic church. Get over it.

To the politicians and talking heads. You can deny it all you want, but this is in fact a systematic prejudice against women. If we told men that they would have to start taking fertility pills and that they didn’t have the choice of whether or not they wanted to share their sperm, I’m sure there would be riots. For the love of sanity and everything that is actually holy, stop acting like your personal belief system must be adopted by everyone else. You are supposed to be leading a country (or giving factual news to a country) made up of people originating from every place in the entire world. There is no central belief system. You cannot force people to go along with your morals and belief systems. We do not live in communist China. We ARE NOT communist China and for a reason. Getting all up into people’s reproductive business isn’t what America is about. Stop twisting it to fit your narrow view of right and wrong.

Giving my employer any information about my reproductive choices is absolutely absurd, not to mention having to defend my choices or be forced to follow someone else’s reproductive prerogative and prove that contraception is for health reasons. I should be forced to have more children that I can’t support or don’t want because someone high up has an agenda in the company I work for? Should my choice about eating pork, for example, be taken away if I work for a Muslim or a Jew? Are you volunteering to pay the half a million dollars per child to raise them and send them to a public college? Are you the one who has the responsibility of disciplining them and making sure they don’t turn out to be axe murderers or lazy bums who mooch off society? Are you planning to sit up and worry about them if they come home late and cry at night because you are worried about how they are growing up? I didn’t think so. Seriously. Are we back in the 18^th century here? If my husband and I decide that we don’t want any more children, what business is it of anyone else? 

Having children is not a moral, religious, or social obligation for everyone, thank goodness. I do think that children are a blessing, but they also come with a very heavy emotional and monetary price tag. As with anything else, you should only have what you can afford. How is it fair to the 8^th child born that you can no longer afford to feed him or her because you have a regular job and 8 kids? There’s a responsibility in deciding how many children you bring into the world. Since corporations and the government aren’t taking responsibility for the aftermath of reproduction, they should just butt the hell out. The world is over populated as it is.

You know, the good old days may have seemed like a calmer, quieter, more moral time. The fact is, that’s not necessarily true, nor does it take into account that technology and progress are good things. If you want to live in the past, go build a house on the Montana plains and do as you please. Churn your own butter for Pete’s sake, but do not get into politics.  I would venture to say that the vast majority of people recognize that progress is important, even if our definition of morality and acceptable behavior has to adapt as well.

John – honey I love you. I am so glad that your voice of sanity is still heard on TV. Please, do not ever sanitize your content because you may offend someone – then you will be just like them.  I do however have a bone to pick with your joke. I don’t want a manger, or anything else related to religion anywhere near my vagina.  I do get the joke – and really, it was brilliantly executed - but religion has already put in a major bid to control people’s reproductive rights for almost all of time. Let’s not even open the can of worms and let them start with that crap all over again. To be blunt, I’ll put whatever I decide in my vagina and everyone else can just butt the heck out.

Seriously US, if you keep this shit up, I will not be coming back.

Becky

I is for Individuality

Listening to: Fall to Pieces – Velvet Revolver

Mood: Tired and Discouraged

On to the letter I.  I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about being an individual while being a part of a pair. More specifically, what it means to be a sexual individual inside of a marriage. Yes people, yet another post about sex. I’ll try and rearrange my thoughts for the next post, but for now, it is the topic of the day.

I married young. 22 to be exact. I wasn’t exactly worldly wise and jaded, at least in the relationship and sex arena.  My husband was also a virgin when we met.

Understandably, my (then) boyfriend and I fell head long into the rush of new love and the rosy, exciting haze of sexual discovery.  It was glorious. We got married two and a half years later, still nuts about each other. As the years have gone by (as in 9 years next week!), I have found my sexual identity to be both intrinsically tied to his and yet very distinctly mine.  

I am pondering how you define yourself in a sexual way when you’ve committed to being sexual with another person for the rest of your life. There are definitely some things we don’t share. My obsession with Guns N Roses for example. My penchant for having an active imagination when it comes to the lead singer of that band. Fantasizing in general.  I’m pretty sure that like every other man on this planet over the age of puberty, he spends quality time alone with himself too.

When you love someone (no, this is not a Bryan Adam’s song, I promise) and live with them on a long term basis, the lines between you have a eerie way of becoming lighter and less defined. There’s a reason for the saying “He or she is my other half.” 

I actively chase being my own person. It’s a deep seated drive somewhere in me. I have a need to have areas of myself that are only mine. There are some that I wouldn’t want my husband to see because I’m pretty sure he would recoil in horror/disgust. Mama’s got a dark side.

I find having your own thing going on sexually to be a healthy thing in a relationship. As with other areas of life, it’s important to know who you are and have things that are only yours. After all, the better you know yourself and can be comfortable with yourself, the better you can get to know your other half and be comfortable with him or her.

Ideas? Comments? I love to hear them.

Becky

F is for Fifty Shades of Grey

Listening to: Buckcherry  - Sorry. It’s definitely a Buckcherry type of day.

Mood: Tired and Discouraged

I usually refrain from commenting on what I’m reading in the blog because I have a separate blog for my literary pursuits. Check it out here if you’re interested. I think it’s also worth noting that I am NOT a fan of pop-lit. In fact, I usually avoid it like the plague.  

Fifty Shades of Grey was discussed so often that I hesitated to even read it. I figured it was good for some hot scenes, so I figured I would give it a chance. Wow. I am so glad I did. The author is definitely talented at creating hot scenes.  I’m almost finished with the 3^rd of the books and I have to say that I loved all of them.

Ok, so this is a romance novel. Even with the BDSM twist (which by the way – definitely pushes the right  buttons for me in a major way) it boils down to romance. There isn’t much of a plot beyond sex. I do like the character development though. There’s just something hot about a man that needs to be saved and needs love.  On paper I love broody serious, flawed men. Yes please.

Like all romance novels, you probably shouldn’t think too hard about logic. The bad boys really don’t turn around like this in real life. Most are probably not uber rich either. Still, it’s a fun read if you like that type of thing.  The first book deals a lot with the darker side of sex. If you don’t like/agree with that type thing, this probably isn’t for you. If you are really really into it, the book doesn’t delve too deeply either. It’s a fine line well skated.

I’d definitely recommend it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go off and daydream about my rockstar some more only this time he’s dark.

Becky

H is for Hormones

Mood: Relaxed – for now

Listening to: Salaame – Kunal Ganjawala and Vasundhara Das

I’m skipping F for now because I can’t think of anything useful right now with the exception of my favorite word, which I’ve adequately covered in this post. I’ll circle back to F later. For my G post, see the GuiltManifesto.

Caveat – this is a post about sex. If you are my mother, not of legal consent age, or generally get your undies in a bunch easily – come back another day.

If you are a girl or have ever possibly in your life known a girl, even if she is your own mother, you understand how much hormones suck donkey balls sometimes. This is not a post about that. This is a post about how much hormones can be awesome if you play the game right.

In regards to sex, most girls go from “Meh” right after their period to “Yes, right now or I will find someone who will!” in the middle, to “Don’t Touch Me” the week before their periods to “Meh, if it will get rid of the cramps I will” during their period. All thanks to the hormonal changes that happen.

I want to draw your attention to a 2 hour window of hormone heaven that happens a day or two before a girl’s period. As most people know, a week before hand (AKA PMS) a girl’s level of horniness will drop to almost 0. If you are lucky enough to be awake and around your girl when the hormone spike occurs right before her period, you should definitely take advantage of the situation if she isn’t after you for it already.

After ambushing my husband recently, I told him about it. The poor man thought I was referring to an ovulation window and spent the next 5 minutes getting his own tighty whitey’s into a bunch that his super sperm somehow grew legs found their way out of the condom. After I assured him that not only was it was not that time of month, his sperm weren’t that coordinated, he was happy about it. Some of the best times I’ve ever had have been during this 2 hour window.  Don’t get me wrong, the ovulation period has a magic all its own, but you may as well take advantage of it when you’re feeling hot. There’s just something hot and desperate about knowing it will only last so long, you’re ready to go, and when it’s done you won’t care a fig about it for at least another week.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have a day dream about a certain rock star.

Becky