Monday, April 16, 2012

H is for Hormones

Mood: Relaxed – for now

Listening to: Salaame – Kunal Ganjawala and Vasundhara Das

I’m skipping F for now because I can’t think of anything useful right now with the exception of my favorite word, which I’ve adequately covered in this post. I’ll circle back to F later. For my G post, see the GuiltManifesto.

Caveat – this is a post about sex. If you are my mother, not of legal consent age, or generally get your undies in a bunch easily – come back another day.

If you are a girl or have ever possibly in your life known a girl, even if she is your own mother, you understand how much hormones suck donkey balls sometimes. This is not a post about that. This is a post about how much hormones can be awesome if you play the game right.

In regards to sex, most girls go from “Meh” right after their period to “Yes, right now or I will find someone who will!” in the middle, to “Don’t Touch Me” the week before their periods to “Meh, if it will get rid of the cramps I will” during their period. All thanks to the hormonal changes that happen.

I want to draw your attention to a 2 hour window of hormone heaven that happens a day or two before a girl’s period. As most people know, a week before hand (AKA PMS) a girl’s level of horniness will drop to almost 0. If you are lucky enough to be awake and around your girl when the hormone spike occurs right before her period, you should definitely take advantage of the situation if she isn’t after you for it already.

After ambushing my husband recently, I told him about it. The poor man thought I was referring to an ovulation window and spent the next 5 minutes getting his own tighty whitey’s into a bunch that his super sperm somehow grew legs found their way out of the condom. After I assured him that not only was it was not that time of month, his sperm weren’t that coordinated, he was happy about it. Some of the best times I’ve ever had have been during this 2 hour window.  Don’t get me wrong, the ovulation period has a magic all its own, but you may as well take advantage of it when you’re feeling hot. There’s just something hot and desperate about knowing it will only last so long, you’re ready to go, and when it’s done you won’t care a fig about it for at least another week.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have a day dream about a certain rock star.

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