Happy Bleedin Father's Day.

Listening to: My Daughter Working on Learning Hindi

Mood: Craving alone time

So I didn’t post anything for Father’s day. For some reason, I mentally rebel at jumping on the train about posting about anything everyone else is posting. School is out? Halloween is coming? I don’t care. If I have something to say, I’ll say it. In lieu of this, I decided to think a while on whether or not I had anything to say.

I definitely don’t have a whole lot to say about Father’s day. Well, at least not a lot of warm, fuzzy feel good things to say that everyone else seems to be chock full of. As I’ve mentioned before, my relationship with my dad is complicated bordering on non-existent. So…Father’s day doesn’t have a lot of meaning for me in that regard. It makes me vaguely sad every year, but that feeling gets shelved along with the other incidents that make me think about my dad pretty quickly.

I’ve heard that the opposite of love is apathy. I think I agree with that statement.  I find anger useless and destructive and sadness a complete waste of time. Neither will change the situation.  The thing that makes me the most sad about this situation is that there really isn’t much I can or will do to change it. Our relationship is what it is (or isn’t) and I’m willing to take responsibility for my part in this whole shit storm, even if I consider this to be the best, albeit a crappy, way for things to be for me. But the vague sadness will continue, because most likely things won’t change.

On the other hand, my kids have an amazing dad. I am forever grateful for the way he cares for them and is committed to seeing them grow up.  However, because of my sensitivities, I’m pretty much thankful for this on a daily basis. It’s one side of a coin that holds both hopes that they’ll have better experiences than I had with my dad and fear that one day he’ll leave them and they’ll turn out just as messed up as I am.

So that’s my reaction to Father’s day. I’m not sure this dithering wandering pout fest has a point. My apologies for that. This is why I don’t talk about my dad much and why I probably won’t be pondering Father’s day again. More than anyone else, I’m pretty tired of this issue. I’m tired of thinking about it, talking about it, and generally blathering on. Moving along.

Becky

C is for Collateral Damage

Listening to: Suga Suga – Baby Bash

Mood: Exasperated

What do you do when friends and relatives have so many other obligations that you end up feeling like an afterthought all the time, even though you are asking for face time?  I’m not going to call out anyone here – I have a few relatives that this seems to apply to and I do love them all.

I grew up in an extended family that prioritized family time. We didn’t see each other all that often, but whenever we did see each other, people actually made time and visited. Those times are some of the best memories I have. As I got older, I would often hear that visits weren’t always possible because people have lives. This I get. I do indeed have my own life that sometimes takes juggling – see the insane parade of people that have come through my house in the past 2 years.

I guess I’m just old fashioned, but to me, both friendships and family take work and connection. Just because I’m not being needy and demanding doesn’t mean I don’t need or want to spend time with people. I respect your obligations, but you need to realize that I am one too. I don’t want to have to feel like the other obligations in your life always take precedence over mine.

I know, I know, stop with the wah wah party. I just hate feeling that with some people, especially family, that it will always be something or other.  I don’t want to be collateral damage from your other obligations.

Becky