Good Evening internets and random people from Azerbaijan (seriously!).
I'm still upright and kicking. Occasionally kicking myself, but still kicking.
A person who is very close to me recently told me that I tend to live according to quotations I saw somewhere. Um what? I was extremely confused as to what the hell he meant. Of course he wouldn't elaborate any further and declined to give examples. .
It left me quite stunned as I don't think I do this. In fact, I try not to. It reminds me of those people who are sanctimonious pricks who go around quoting self help mantras and useless platitudes rather than dealing in real interactions. Yuck and super annoying.
After I was done being mad (which with this particular person happens quite often but never all that seriously), it made me think about how I think I DO live.
One of the things I've been working on changing in my outlook on life is my narrative. We all have them. Things we tell ourselves in order to form an identity and create norms. Narratives can be helpful, and can bring order. They can also be extremely destructive if you do not have positive ones or occasionally challenge WHY you have that narrative and whether or not it's working for you in the current tense.
As Naveen and I have been separating, I've been seriously considering what my narratives are and whether or not they serve a useful, positive purpose in my life. It's been quite the uphill battle, as most honest therapeutic activities are. I've kept some, thrown some, and completely over hauled others.
So far I'm pleased with the progress I've made and always aware that I have much more to go.
My next thought was the way we see ourselves versus the way others see us. The kicker in this one is that no one sees you without bias. Not yourself and not others, even the ones closest to you. This makes it incredibly hard to be objective. I think the only way to look at it is to collect multiple data points and "proofs" as it were.
This person and I are extremely close, and while I trust him completely, he's had his own life experiences that color his world view. I hope he can provide me with further examples as time goes by so that I can judge for myself if this is how I am or not. I'd like to think not, but if the data points that way.....back to therapy I go.