I Don't Live There Anymore

Internets, anyone wants to guess what I'm going to say now? That's right - it's been a year to end all years.  I'm still upright and kicking, but as I look back, I can't believe I'm still sane. My previous woes have largely resolved - I have an amazing Team Lead working for me and my oldest has gone off to college and now her life is hers for the better or worse.

I feel things very deeply. I've been very open about the struggles with anxiety and depression that have been my constant companions my entire life. It hasn't been easy. Ever. But I guess that's the way life is, everyone has their own difficulties. 

I find myself stuggling with feeling alone. On the surface I'm very ok with being alone. I don't mind physically being alone. But I very very much mind feeling alone. It's something I've struggled with my entire life and have developed some very unhealthy coping mechanisms dealing with.  It's lead to a lot of codependent behaviors in my relationships that at the end of the day make me and my partner miserable.

I've been open with my struggles with health care, both in the US and in India. It's a maddening game of dice as to whether you'll get quality care or not. And that's just for identifiable physical issues. But not PCOS/hormone issues - that's absurd getting a solid answer. Take your vitamin D and do yoga already. Ahem. Put onion juice in your hair. Ahem. Not bitter at all. 

Mental health has been something that my whole family has been dealing with as my youngest has been struggling with a major depressive episode. We've had very trust breaking experiences with a psychiatrist, a few episodes with addictive psych meds, and luckily one very supportive councelor. Who is now moving and we can't follow her. Le Sigh. It's been a lot. 

Caring for someone else who needs intensive care, be it physical or mental, is a very exhausting task for any care taker, no matter how much they love the person and are ready to do what it takes. I thought single parenting was hard, that completely paled with what we went through this year. Had it not been for my partner I don't think we would have made it. Even the strongest people have to tap strength from somewhere on occasion.  When the caretaker is struggling with mental issues him or herself, the burden is triple. Thankfully, my daughter is amazing and is doing a lot of hard work to get better. I'm so proud of her. So fucking proud, internets. 

I've never considered seeing a therapist in my life and I'm actually trying to find one, again, because I feel the need for the support and self improvement so badly. As I mentioned, it can be great, or.....not. My first therapist was definitely not for me. We'll leave it at that.  Finding a quality physical doctor is hard enough in India - quality mental health professionals are almost like unicorns. 

In the midst of this, it has become apparent to my ex husband and I that it's time for us to actually get divorced. There were/are difficulties I won't get into - because they're boring - and both of us have moved on long back. We're both happy and wish each other the best. I still work for him and nothing in the divorce will be contentious. But the process has sparked a lot of anxiety about finances and finally being alone. Of course I've been alone for the past 3 years, but this is finality type alone. I'm ok with it, but it's damn scary.

My relationship with my partner isn't always easy either. I can't figure out if it's me, or him, or both of us. The constant push and pull is super stressful and I've lost some of my inner voice that makes sense of things. I will be getting married again to this person at some point, and I'm terrified that I'm going to repeat my mistakes and find myself again in a situation where I'm not safe or loved. One main reason for a therapist. I want someone to help me sort these feelings. 

Both of these gentlemen are very far from Bangalore at the moment, so I am indeed on my own. 

Anyhow, one of the strategies that I am using to deal with unhealthy behaviors and avoiding living in the past is reminding myself that I don't live there anymore. Many things have changed and I have made so much progress that I don't need to resort to the strategies that served me before. I'll be honest internets, this works approx 50% of the time for behavioral changes and doesn't really do shit for my anxiety. I don't live there anymore. Let's see where else I can reach.

~Becky~