You can never come home again....Until you Must: The Aftermath

Mood: So mad I could spit

Listening To: Suit Full Video Song - Guru Randhawa Feat. Arjun

I know this blog is a long time coming....like years. And much has changed. But as I renewed my commitment to writing, I was reading that blog entry and couldn't just leave it like that. The story is only half told and so, so very incomplete.

I did end up filing for the divorce myself. By myself. I attended all of the court dates up until the tense end alone (divorce granted 2 days before I was supposed to fly out!), and I got divorced by myself. It was one of the loneliest things I've ever experienced. It was awful and I hope I never have to go through that again.

Things did devolve with Mary (my mom) after my kids came. It was so bad internets. So bad. I can't tell you what it did to my own soul as a mother when my kids saw what was going on and asked why she was behaving like she was. I had no answers why she treated me like shit because she can't control me and doesn't actually like me as a person and it's obvious. Why when she realized that they had grown up and wouldn't be controlled either then she didn't really like them either. Why in the world it was ok to create a whole fucking scene over a disciplinary issue that was between my daughter and I. I had no answers. 

Most of the rest of my extended family couldn't be bothered to visit, though we went to the town they live in, and it was confusing and hurtful. My friends were too busy to be bothered. It was fucking brutal. Not only had home changed, it just didn't exist anymore. I left Illinois pretty sure that I wouldn't ever go back.

But I left with my divorce. And the confidence that I wasn't imagining the behaviors because my kids witnessed it too. It's validating and incredibly guilt-producing because I feel like I should never have brought them - it was my job to protect them. They've since assured me that they don't hold me responsible for her behavior but it's still a struggle for me. 

In the time since, I've slowly been ok with being in contact with Mary, but everything is surface level and unemotional. My kids won't be in touch with her, which I'm fine with. I still wish I could understand her or reach her at an emotional level, but I'm becoming ok with how things are.

Now my brother is getting married in Jamaica. I'm planning to go because for some reason I can't let go of that relationship. Or the semblance of family, I wouldn't really call them relationships. My brother is indifferent to me. My partner won't be coming, it's too much expense and time off of work, so I'll be going alone. I'm fine with this because we're trying for his visa and if it comes through, we'll be visiting my mom in November or December. It's important for him to meet my family. I'm indifferent and it causes me a lot of anxiety about what will happen. I'm not sure I can take another scene like that last visit. 

I know it's a super heavy post, but I understand family estrangements now and why some people choose to not stay in touch with their families. Those are not easy ties to break and if they break there's always a reason. Whew. I think I prefer my garden plants to people.

~Becky~

C is for Collateral Damage

Listening to: Suga Suga – Baby Bash

Mood: Exasperated

What do you do when friends and relatives have so many other obligations that you end up feeling like an afterthought all the time, even though you are asking for face time?  I’m not going to call out anyone here – I have a few relatives that this seems to apply to and I do love them all.

I grew up in an extended family that prioritized family time. We didn’t see each other all that often, but whenever we did see each other, people actually made time and visited. Those times are some of the best memories I have. As I got older, I would often hear that visits weren’t always possible because people have lives. This I get. I do indeed have my own life that sometimes takes juggling – see the insane parade of people that have come through my house in the past 2 years.

I guess I’m just old fashioned, but to me, both friendships and family take work and connection. Just because I’m not being needy and demanding doesn’t mean I don’t need or want to spend time with people. I respect your obligations, but you need to realize that I am one too. I don’t want to have to feel like the other obligations in your life always take precedence over mine.

I know, I know, stop with the wah wah party. I just hate feeling that with some people, especially family, that it will always be something or other.  I don’t want to be collateral damage from your other obligations.

Becky

A Bit of Sanity after the Annual Nuttiness

Listening to: Random Hindi on the ipod

I know some people really love the holidays. Like look forward to them all year. I happen to not be one of them. I’m not Scrooge with the bah humbug stuff, I like the holidays fine. I just don’t LOOOOVVVEEE them. One of the reasons I don’t salivate over the holidays is that every year, the craziness gets ratcheted up a notch. With 1 birthday right before Thanksgiving and 1 right after, the holidays around here last from Halloween until New Years. It’s a long time. The decorations and trees come out a week earlier every year, the amount of people coming and going from our house increases, the decorations seem to increase every year like they’re having ornament orgies in the basement the whole year.   So with a (very quiet, lest I be accused of being said Grinch by my kids) sigh of relief, I have finished packing up all of the holiday paraphernalia and am completely ready to shove it back in the back corner of the basement under the stairs again. I am so ready to have my living room back to a semblance of order without the visual chaos that is a tree laden in trinkets, candles, and “stuff” set out on every flat surface. I love the holidays, but I love being able to pack up the craziness too.

Another beautiful thing after the holidays is shipping the kids back off to school every day. I love spending time with my kids, and I do enjoy the holidays for that reason, but heaven help me, I love the quiet and the school schedule that settles back over our house after the holidays. I’ve never been good at developing our own schedule at home and have really welcomed the schedule that school seems to bring. When the kids are home, life develops into a loosely scheduled free for all that usually includes way too many electronic gadgets. So the quiet of not having 2 kids at home, it’s a beautiful thing.

I think for the first time in my life, I actually got burnt out on having people coming and going at our house. I absolutely love having people over, feeding them, entertaining them, etc. For the first time in my life, I honestly wished I was a hermit that could go ignore the world in my cave. The last house guest who came over and stayed for a week broke the camel’s back so to say. Or perhaps it was the flu that I conveniently got right before she came over…. She was family, so un-inviting her was just not to be done. Anyhow, there has been a moratorium on people coming over. I am refusing to wash sheets, cook for a crowd, or drink too much until at least mid Jan. Sanity must return first.  As I’ve previously made clear, I’m really, really bad at finding limits, and I think I’ve found my people limit. I guess that’s good info to get to know once. Kinda like when I drank an obscene amount of alcohol just to understand my limits. Now I know, let’s not do that again.

Overall, we survived, and probably got some good karma forging some better relationships with family and friends.  But seriously, thank you jeebus that it’s January!