Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Happy Bleedin Father's Day.

Listening to: My Daughter Working on Learning Hindi
Mood: Craving alone time

So I didn’t post anything for Father’s day. For some reason, I mentally rebel at jumping on the train about posting about anything everyone else is posting. School is out? Halloween is coming? I don’t care. If I have something to say, I’ll say it. In lieu of this, I decided to think a while on whether or not I had anything to say.

I definitely don’t have a whole lot to say about Father’s day. Well, at least not a lot of warm, fuzzy feel good things to say that everyone else seems to be chock full of. As I’ve mentioned before, my relationship with my dad is complicated bordering on non-existent. So…Father’s day doesn’t have a lot of meaning for me in that regard. It makes me vaguely sad every year, but that feeling gets shelved along with the other incidents that make me think about my dad pretty quickly.

I’ve heard that the opposite of love is apathy. I think I agree with that statement.  I find anger useless and destructive and sadness a complete waste of time. Neither will change the situation.  The thing that makes me the most sad about this situation is that there really isn’t much I can or will do to change it. Our relationship is what it is (or isn’t) and I’m willing to take responsibility for my part in this whole shit storm, even if I consider this to be the best, albeit a crappy, way for things to be for me. But the vague sadness will continue, because most likely things won’t change.

On the other hand, my kids have an amazing dad. I am forever grateful for the way he cares for them and is committed to seeing them grow up.  However, because of my sensitivities, I’m pretty much thankful for this on a daily basis. It’s one side of a coin that holds both hopes that they’ll have better experiences than I had with my dad and fear that one day he’ll leave them and they’ll turn out just as messed up as I am.
So that’s my reaction to Father’s day. I’m not sure this dithering wandering pout fest has a point. My apologies for that. This is why I don’t talk about my dad much and why I probably won’t be pondering Father’s day again. More than anyone else, I’m pretty tired of this issue. I’m tired of thinking about it, talking about it, and generally blathering on. Moving along.



Anonymous said...

I personally don't really get this Mother's Day and Father's Day stuff - but I noticed online this year that, for some people, it's a big deal. Anyway, that's not really the focus of your post - it was just something running through my head.

I'm brain-dead right now lol... sorry - this is a pathetic piece of feedback!

Becky said...

Yeah, that's why I decided to post something. I don't get the hullaballo, but then again, I've never been especially close to either of my parents, although I've grown closer to my mom as I grew older.

Loretta von Schnugglepuss said...

I had a non-existent relationship with my father. He disowned me in his heart and mind when I was eleven years old. The reason? I verbalised that I do not believe in his religion.

He also used a horse whip and an elephant whip to punish us of our sins. That's just the tip of the ice berg.

When he died in 2008, I swear to god the first thing that popped into my brain was the song "Ding Dong the witch is dead!" from the Wizard of Oz. I was giddy that he finally kicked it.

I'm sorry you have a similar experience. As I get older it gets less important. For Fathers Day I just think of all the GOOD fathers I know out there, and I feel happy for their children.

Becky said...

Loretta, I'm sorry that happened to you. That definitely sucks donkey balls big time. I have to admit that in the face of a horsewhip, I look like a whiney little bitch. My dad never abused us, he just kind of checked out of anything after my parents divorced. We reminded him too much of the mistakes he made with my mom. He didn't bother to tell us either, just kind of faded away.

I'm glad you're making your peace with what happened. As hard as I am trying, and as much as I want to be, I'm still not there yet. I'm thankful for my kids dad. That's one of the reasons I married Daddy G - he bluntly told me he would never want to get divorced.

I like your philosophy about thinking about the good dads, of which I'm sure there are plenty. My step dad is uber cool, but the whole dad thing kind of makes him uncomfortable since he just married my mom a few months back.

Loretta von Schnugglepuss said...

yeah, no dad is perfect, but some of them are definitely Grade A Assholes.