Listening to: My Daughter Working on Learning Hindi
Mood: Craving alone time
So I didn’t post anything for Father’s day. For some reason, I mentally rebel at jumping on the train about posting about anything everyone else is posting. School is out? Halloween is coming? I don’t care. If I have something to say, I’ll say it. In lieu of this, I decided to think a while on whether or not I had anything to say.
I definitely don’t have a whole lot to say about Father’s day. Well, at least not a lot of warm, fuzzy feel good things to say that everyone else seems to be chock full of. As I’ve mentioned before, my relationship with my dad is complicated bordering on non-existent. So…Father’s day doesn’t have a lot of meaning for me in that regard. It makes me vaguely sad every year, but that feeling gets shelved along with the other incidents that make me think about my dad pretty quickly.
I’ve heard that the opposite of love is apathy. I think I agree with that statement. I find anger useless and destructive and sadness a complete waste of time. Neither will change the situation. The thing that makes me the most sad about this situation is that there really isn’t much I can or will do to change it. Our relationship is what it is (or isn’t) and I’m willing to take responsibility for my part in this whole shit storm, even if I consider this to be the best, albeit a crappy, way for things to be for me. But the vague sadness will continue, because most likely things won’t change.
On the other hand, my kids have an amazing dad. I am forever grateful for the way he cares for them and is committed to seeing them grow up. However, because of my sensitivities, I’m pretty much thankful for this on a daily basis. It’s one side of a coin that holds both hopes that they’ll have better experiences than I had with my dad and fear that one day he’ll leave them and they’ll turn out just as messed up as I am.
So that’s my reaction to Father’s day. I’m not sure this dithering wandering pout fest has a point. My apologies for that. This is why I don’t talk about my dad much and why I probably won’t be pondering Father’s day again. More than anyone else, I’m pretty tired of this issue. I’m tired of thinking about it, talking about it, and generally blathering on. Moving along.