Listening to: Groovy Kind of Love – Phil Collins. Don’t judge me people, it’s Daddy G’s and my song.
Mood: Calm and happy
This post is kind of hard for me to write because I don’t really enjoy writing about frustrating relationships with family and friends. I try really hard not to be the whiney emo type. I find them irritating. However, I am a girl, no matter what anyone has told you and I do have feelings. Again, don’t listen to what people tell you. Kidding of course. Ahem.
I’m not the type who makes close friends easily. I have been like this my entire life. The first 2/3 of my life were spent being so painfully shy I hated being around crowds. I’ve gotten a bit better. I’m no longer shy and have a lot of casual friends in the US. It still takes me a long, long time to open up to someone and trust them as a good friend. Once I do, it’s forever. I’m not always a great friend. I forget to write, and call, and have been known to forget birthdays on a regular basis. However, I have genuine affection for most of my close friends and consider them semi-family.
I’m not going to name the person that inspired this post, because that’s just childish and would destroy a few other friendships along with hers. Let’s just keep it anonymous. Hopefully if she ever does read this, she won’t realize it’s about her. Our families have ties that go way back. Well, our husbands do anyways. Since I enjoy her husband’s company a lot, I really made an effort to get to know her and be friendly to her too. We did develop what I considered to be a close friendship. There were a few times along the way when things were a bit awkward and I wondered if perhaps she wasn’t quite as in to the friendship as I was, or perhaps her husband was pushing the friendship as he and Daddy G were old friends. Nothing ever obvious or said to my face, but subtle things. Flaking on meet ups, over exaggeration of how much she loved coming to my house, eating what I cooked, etc. The kind of thing where it’s so over the top you wonder if she isn't going home and rolling her eyes and wishing she didn't have to deal with you at all. Yet she always greeted me in what seemed to be genuine friendliness and enthusiasm.
Of course, I brushed these things off, being the friendly, but rather socially inept person that I am. She was one of the reasons I was really sad to leave New York. Over the course of the years I had known her, I really enjoyed her company and thought she felt the same.
Fast forward to today. I never hear from this person. Ever. Even light hello emails are met with silence. After a while I quit emailing her because even I can take a hint after a while.
What I want to know is why the fake enthusiasm and friendship? I’m not made of porcelain. If you didn’t want to be friends, or come over, or anything, wouldn’t it have been easier just to be honest up front? I really wouldn’t have been insulted at all. After all, not everyone gets along. This kind of thing is insulting though. I wouldn’t have bothered with caring had I known you weren’t all that thrilled to be friends. In fact, I hate this kind of shit. The social interactions that make me feel like a ridiculous imbecile because I don’t always pick up on vague, obscure cues. It’s bad enough when it happens with people I don’t know all that well, but it’s a lot worse with someone I think I’m close to. Perhaps she just wasn’t the outspoken type and didn’t like confrontation. I really feel like I have no idea now. Perhaps I was too intense in my friendliness and she was scared I’d do something awkward like cry. Yeah, so not happening.
I’m not devastated, just disappointed. Making good friends isn’t easy for me, so when I think I’ve made one, it’s all the more difficult when I find out it was just a mirage.