I is for Individuality

Listening to: Fall to Pieces – Velvet Revolver

Mood: Tired and Discouraged

On to the letter I.  I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about being an individual while being a part of a pair. More specifically, what it means to be a sexual individual inside of a marriage. Yes people, yet another post about sex. I’ll try and rearrange my thoughts for the next post, but for now, it is the topic of the day.

I married young. 22 to be exact. I wasn’t exactly worldly wise and jaded, at least in the relationship and sex arena.  My husband was also a virgin when we met.

Understandably, my (then) boyfriend and I fell head long into the rush of new love and the rosy, exciting haze of sexual discovery.  It was glorious. We got married two and a half years later, still nuts about each other. As the years have gone by (as in 9 years next week!), I have found my sexual identity to be both intrinsically tied to his and yet very distinctly mine.  

I am pondering how you define yourself in a sexual way when you’ve committed to being sexual with another person for the rest of your life. There are definitely some things we don’t share. My obsession with Guns N Roses for example. My penchant for having an active imagination when it comes to the lead singer of that band. Fantasizing in general.  I’m pretty sure that like every other man on this planet over the age of puberty, he spends quality time alone with himself too.

When you love someone (no, this is not a Bryan Adam’s song, I promise) and live with them on a long term basis, the lines between you have a eerie way of becoming lighter and less defined. There’s a reason for the saying “He or she is my other half.” 

I actively chase being my own person. It’s a deep seated drive somewhere in me. I have a need to have areas of myself that are only mine. There are some that I wouldn’t want my husband to see because I’m pretty sure he would recoil in horror/disgust. Mama’s got a dark side.

I find having your own thing going on sexually to be a healthy thing in a relationship. As with other areas of life, it’s important to know who you are and have things that are only yours. After all, the better you know yourself and can be comfortable with yourself, the better you can get to know your other half and be comfortable with him or her.

Ideas? Comments? I love to hear them.

Becky