The Updates - it's a positive post!

Mood: Down but rallying

Listening to: The silence, I've had enough music for today

I know my last post was a super bummer and really heavy. Sorry for the trauma dump. I had to follow up because since then, things in my life have started sorting themselves and I want to create space for that too. After I came back I indeed bought my house. We moved in last January and it's been a year of living here together with my partner. I have never loved anything other than my kids more than my house. It's absolutely amazeballs. See my garden blog! (Shameless plug)

I also got married again last May. Just a complete disclosure, it was not easy being married at first. There were a lot of doubts and fights, and adjustments to be made on every end. But I couldn't be happier now. Hopefully that's the last time I have to get married as well. Oh my internets, court weddings in India are a fucking trip. Just like everything else. 

I stopped therapy because I came to realize that my therapist wasn't actually that helpful. She got caught up on a weird power trip about making me cry. And then disappeared off into the ether when I got married for some reason. As if marriage fixes people and I didn't need therapy anymore. I still do, but I have 0 energy to find a new therapist and start over again. Even the thought is exhausting. 

My younger daughter went to stay at a residential therapy program in Coimbatore last year. It was a terrible time, but it was the best thing for her that we knew how to do. She came back and has been up and down since then. She doesn't live with me anymore due to some unfortunate choices on a few different fronts, but I feel we're finally getting her the help she needs, not that we weren't trying before.  

My relationship with my ex husband deteriorated after I got married again, and continues to even further now that I can't have my younger daughter live with me. It's been brutal to go through, but I feel it's best for her and he's her parent too. I see her regularly, just not at home.

I've been trying to launch a business in the US. Go see my Busting into Business blog! (shameless plug number 2!) for more information on that. It's been a great project to jump into and I'm super excited. 

I guess that brings us up to speed. Mostly happiness with a little bittersweet mixed in. 

~Becky~

You can never come home again....Until you Must: The Aftermath

Mood: So mad I could spit

Listening To: Suit Full Video Song - Guru Randhawa Feat. Arjun

I know this blog is a long time coming....like years. And much has changed. But as I renewed my commitment to writing, I was reading that blog entry and couldn't just leave it like that. The story is only half told and so, so very incomplete.

I did end up filing for the divorce myself. By myself. I attended all of the court dates up until the tense end alone (divorce granted 2 days before I was supposed to fly out!), and I got divorced by myself. It was one of the loneliest things I've ever experienced. It was awful and I hope I never have to go through that again.

Things did devolve with Mary (my mom) after my kids came. It was so bad internets. So bad. I can't tell you what it did to my own soul as a mother when my kids saw what was going on and asked why she was behaving like she was. I had no answers why she treated me like shit because she can't control me and doesn't actually like me as a person and it's obvious. Why when she realized that they had grown up and wouldn't be controlled either then she didn't really like them either. Why in the world it was ok to create a whole fucking scene over a disciplinary issue that was between my daughter and I. I had no answers. 

Most of the rest of my extended family couldn't be bothered to visit, though we went to the town they live in, and it was confusing and hurtful. My friends were too busy to be bothered. It was fucking brutal. Not only had home changed, it just didn't exist anymore. I left Illinois pretty sure that I wouldn't ever go back.

But I left with my divorce. And the confidence that I wasn't imagining the behaviors because my kids witnessed it too. It's validating and incredibly guilt-producing because I feel like I should never have brought them - it was my job to protect them. They've since assured me that they don't hold me responsible for her behavior but it's still a struggle for me. 

In the time since, I've slowly been ok with being in contact with Mary, but everything is surface level and unemotional. My kids won't be in touch with her, which I'm fine with. I still wish I could understand her or reach her at an emotional level, but I'm becoming ok with how things are.

Now my brother is getting married in Jamaica. I'm planning to go because for some reason I can't let go of that relationship. Or the semblance of family, I wouldn't really call them relationships. My brother is indifferent to me. My partner won't be coming, it's too much expense and time off of work, so I'll be going alone. I'm fine with this because we're trying for his visa and if it comes through, we'll be visiting my mom in November or December. It's important for him to meet my family. I'm indifferent and it causes me a lot of anxiety about what will happen. I'm not sure I can take another scene like that last visit. 

I know it's a super heavy post, but I understand family estrangements now and why some people choose to not stay in touch with their families. Those are not easy ties to break and if they break there's always a reason. Whew. I think I prefer my garden plants to people.

~Becky~