Wednesday, April 2, 2014

This Should Hurt, but I Can't Figure Out When

Hello Internets. 

Long time no ramble. I've had lots of good intentions to blog, lots of ideas in my head....and no excuses. I'm just lazy as fuck about some things - writing is one of them. With 28 piano students and a house to run, I'm lucky just to keep my head on straight most days.

Anyhow. The recent big revelation in my life is death. My grandmother's to be exact. I know death isn't a new thing (trust me - "No one says anything new" - so quotes someone I can't remember in my current inebriate state), nor particularly exciting. The thing for me is, I've not had anyone close to me die since I was in highschool - and that was a friend, not family. So it basically has come as a rude shock, even though I've been trying to prepare for my grandparent's eventual death since I was 18. Not a morbid fascination, more like an inescapable fact of life that I figured would be better faced with preparation. I always had difficulty with it because my grandparents were very, very active/healthy until 5 or so years ago and I still thought of them such. More on how that turned out later.

As I've mentioned, my grandmother was one of my favorite people on this earth and I was ridiculously fond of her. I was blessed to be the first of her 12 grandchildren, so I like to think that she had a special place in her heart for me too. Trust me, she was the kind of person to have a special place in her heart for each and every grandchild, along with husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. She is the one that I would love to be exactly like at the end of my life, and the first one I claim when it comes to genetics. She had a stable, loving marriage that lasted for over 60 years. She was by no means a perfect person, but she was amazing none the less. Even though I could sit and bore you for 3 more hours on this, I think you get the idea - she was a kick ass person and grandmother.

Daddy G, being the amazing man that he is, stuck me on a plane the evening we found out she had passed away with a promise that everything, including my kids, at home would be fine while I went to be with my remaining family. This is why I love him internets. I spent the week helping my family grieve, or so I like to think - it was a weird week. I spoke at my grandmother's funeral, although looking back, what I said seems so inadequate for the feelings that I had for her. 

Internets, I have yet to cry for my grandmother. Granted, I am SO not the weepy type. Ever. Especially not in front of other people, even Daddy G. I always thought that this would do it though. I'm rather afraid that I'm permanently either numb or a frickin psychopath. To be fair though, I've done a damn fine job being an ostrich and doing my best to avoid though about this subject all together. I think during the funeral, I just denied it was real all together. I could not figure out how I would get through speaking in front of a church of people otherwise. My family is a bit weird too. We have a few that look like tough people but cry at the drop of a hat, and those that just quietly go along without showing feelings outwardly. Our family in particular loves inappropriate humor to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Come now internets, you didn't think my propensity for inappropriate humor popped out of nowhere did you?

The only time I started leaking was when my Grandfather, cousin, and uncle dropped me off at the airport to return to India. Leaving my crying grandfather was almost physically painful - I'm overly fond of him too. 

I guess this is my reaction to the whole thing. My grandmother was 86 years old. She had a long, happy, adventurous life with a loving husband, 6 kids, 12 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren. Her last 5 years were spent in pain and I'm very happy that she doesn't have to hurt anymore, even though I would love another hug from her any day. What pains me is what's left behind. I have a shattered grandfather who is lost without the woman whom he claims he married because she had a car. This obviously isn't all he married her for, but how do you comfort someone in pain like that? The pain I feel from losing her seems so very insignificant in the face of that. I have a mother and aunts and uncles (there are no in-laws in our family - everyone is equally involved/loved) that grieve both visibly and not and I have no idea what to do with that.

I had to warn Daddy G today that the storm was coming - I'm just not sure when. As per my usual, it will erupt at some hugely inopportune time, over some insignificant straw breaking the camel's back. Because, you know, I'm am so completely adult and deal with my problems in a head on manner. Pfft. 

There you have it, what's been in my head. I'll try and return soon with something far less....depressing soon.



Michael D'Agostino said...

I'm so glad to know someone else who eases pain with humour. The amount of times I've been looked at sternly by friends and relatives...

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I wish I could offer you some amazing words of wisdom, but they don't work as well coming from a stranger in a clown costume.

Becky said...

You know what Michael, kind words from a clown are definitely welcome. Thank you.

Just stick your tongue out when they look at you funny. Or crack a really, really inappropriate joke. They'll figure it out sooner or later that looking down at someone's way of dealing with grief will just end up in more of the same behavior.