Saturday, August 15, 2015

Find Yourself, Lose Yourself, Find Yourself Again - Hide and Seek in Life

Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Sorry - Buckcherry

Oh hello there internets. It's me, the blogger that cannot seem to get her shit together. Adult or not. 

So I was randomly looking through the past 3 blog posts I put up. To be brutally honest, I can't even remember posting them. I was either that drunk....or just that forgetful. Both are equally possible. 

India has changed me in ways that I've never imagined possible, and not always for the better. Even though I wouldn't trade my experience here for absolutely anything, it's been a constant struggle with identity. In times past, I would daydream that my children would have identity crises. At least so the warnings go about marrying someone different. What "they" neglect to mention, is that you yourself go through an identity crisis, especially if you move outside of your culture/comfort zone.

I wear toe rings. Anklets. A nose ring. Silver bangles I gifted myself. A mangal sutra. Banjara jewelry. A western style wedding ring. Skirts, A dupatta over my head (and Guns N Roses tee shirt) most times I'm outside. I understand (to a certain degree) and live in a culture that's not mine. I have a love for culture, food, and interactions that most days I don't feel entitled to. On the same token, my own culture doesn't cut it. It doesn't show the whole picture of who I am. I no longer belong to that place either as I have been too far away and seen too much to fit in with ignorance of life as I now know it. 

My hands and feet sing as I walk. It's not my song, yet it's integral to the life I live. How does one reconcile that?

No one knows quite what to do with me, not that it matters. I've not lived for anyone else for a long time; I'm not about to start now. I found who I was around 25.  I've spent the last 4 years losing myself to a culture, country, and people that aren't mine. I've spent the past 2 months re-finding myself. 

I've come to discover that it doesn't matter what I wear or how I behave so long as I'm living according to what I value. This is easier to do when what you believe doesn't fall outside of the norm, which is why I still struggle with it. If I want to wear a skirt, Guns N Roses Teeshirt, a mangal sutra, and a dupatta on my head, that's my choice. It doesn't matter if its acceptable to anyone. It's my life - I'll live it on my terms.

There is so much missing to this story. Some of which I may share, much of it that I can't. Living life on your own terms when you vary from the norm is difficult - so much more so than you'd imagine, yet more rewarding than you can imagine.

My advice for those contemplating a choice in their life such as mine - and I do wish someone would have told me this even though I wouldn't have listened - is that it never gets easier. Ever. Even still, I'm proud of how far and where I've come from. No one can take that from you. If you're strong enough to know yourself and continually reassess who and where you are, it's tremendously rewarding on the same token.


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