For When You Discover Your Best Wasn't Enough, and Never Will Be

 Mood: Exhausted and down

Listening to: Shiva Tandava Stotram Original Powerful & Best Trance

As I've previously mentioned, the last year or so has been a time when I've been putting a lot of focus inward and trying to fix some of the self destructive behaviors I've come to rely on and actually fix some of the gaping holes in me rather than ignoring them or applying a nice bright band aid when surgery is actually needed. It's been exhausting, difficult, and I haven't always succeeded or made progress in every direction. But I have made progress. And continue to fight to do so. 

I'm a weird mix of I need people to recognize me and I don't care what people think. I suppose recognition is a basic want of most people, so  I don't feel too bad about this. Being able to be ok if people don't recognize my efforts or my work has been something relatively new. It's glorious. However I find this incredibly difficult to do when it's someone I very much care for. 

If my marriage taught me anything, its that no one should have much of a say in how much I like myself, and self acceptance really has nothing to do with anyone else at all. Such easy words to say, not always easy concepts to internalize and honor.

I'm also a type A when it comes to being good at what I do. Everything. I want to be good at everything. Obviously this is not possible, and I'm not delusional to think that I'm good at everything. I very much am not. But I want to be. Badly. So finding those things that I'm not really good at, or that I will never be enough for someone's standard really is difficult for me. I've made some progress on making myself recognize that I'm not good at certain things and never will be. 

It's a particularly devastating feeling for me when I recognize this in my partner, especially considering that this was such a problem in my marriage. Unfortunately, the issues in question aren't small things. It's not something like leaving the toilet seat up or down. They are issues that I feel are tied to compatibility and honor. Ones that you can't work around if someone finds you not suiting their needs. 

Of course this has led to much over thinking and contemplation on suitability on my end.  I'm not sure what to do with this realization. Or even if I should do anything. 

~Becky~