What have you done in Life?

 Mood: Contemplative

Listening to: Jhoom Jhoom Ta Hua Main

I'll turn 40 this September. I'll hit midlife (not really, Im going to live to 140) around the time when Covid is hitting it's second stride properly. It sucks donkey balls folks. Office, gym and pool have again closed and I fucking hate it.

I look around me and I see signs of success wherever I look. People can afford property, fancy vehicles, blah blah blah. It comes rather surprising to me that I'm actually looking around - I've never been one for comparisons. At 39, I'm well and truly separated from a marriage - and on to a serious relationship. I never wanted nor had any control over my personal finances. Big mistake.  "Boyfriend," or so he has come to be called by my children, has gone home and is renovating his childhood home. While I'm happy for him that his family can afford to do this, I can't help but wonder how it would be when 10 lakh ruppees (around 13.6k dollars) would be something that was within reach for me. It sounds ridiculous, both from what I should be able to afford, and what I definitely cannot. I have a commitment for half of that towards a car. Which I don't even have yet because of stupidity.

No doubt I'm proud of where I've come in terms of taking control of my own fate, and building my own savings. But I still feel I have so so far to go. I plan to buy a house (my own freestanding house) within 5 years. I'm not sure if I'll get there, but I plan to put up a damn good fight. The thing on my mind today, is how we define success. It was always easy to say that my husband would be successful one day and that it didn't bother me that it wasn't that specific day. Its not so easy to say that my success can come at it's own pace. Of course this leads to thoughts of my never getting out of a rented apartment - a very depressing thought indeed. 

Internets, I'm theoretically half way through my earning years. And all I have to show for it is a janky piano and a new car I don't have yet. Rest all I have household goods not worth much, 0 property in a land where property is king, and 0 gold. Not an enviable position to be in. True - I don't owe anyone anything, but for half my life, I have nothing to show. I somehow feel I have failed at life so far.  I know it's not rational, and I can account for my time. But when even laborers can claim land, what do I have?

~Becky~