You can never come home again....Until you must

Listening to: Nohting, night time is silent here

Mood: I guess the stock answer is all over the place, because that's what I am 

Sooooo......i guess where we left off was when I was anxiously waiting to return home. Well, anxiously may be an overstatement, but yeah. Well, I did that. I'm currently camped out in small town USA. It's officially in IL for me if anyone is interested.

There's been much flower planting, cake eating, and well, frankly, much enjoying the single sloth life if I'm being honest. No kids, no agenda, just many sweet things, much reading/wriitng, and much realizing how much I value my step dad. The man talks so much internets. And has an interest in my life and thoughts.

So on to the important stuff: 1. My divorce has stalled out. We had decided to use a service (123divorce.com looking at you here) and it's not going as planned. As in they're not the least bit interested in getting done what I've paid for. I'm looking at a money back tantrum and self filing divorce on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday here). Not ideal.....but I'm not willing ot wait longer for something I can do too. Fuckin viva la learn to divorce internets. I bought a house, I can do this too.

Being at home has been.......well let's say interesting for my midwestern US readers. My relationship with my mom has become difficult - long before I came home. I had a lot of anxiety on this, but I'm doing ok. I'm still not happy with everything, but there's no shutting down either. I'm not going to say it's become ok, because it defintiely isn't, but I'm able to do me at the same time, with the hope that while I'm here we can have a few difficult conversations. It will get harder once the kids come, but I'm trying to prepare myself for that too.

I've been focusing on building myself and taking time for what I enjoy - this is the first significant amount of time I've been away from my kids in 20 years. I'm reading tons, writing, and enjoying the gym. I'm also enjoying cake in case anyone didnt get the memo. Fucking wonderful US cake. I'm starting my diet from June, but for now....cake.

I'm facing some things that are difficult from a relationship point of view too. My best friends are busy, my therapist is floating somewhere in the atmostphere, and I'm currently unmedicated. It's interesting. But I'm holding myself together. And not in the fake everything is fine way. It just is what it is and I'm doing good enough for now way. I love it.

People say you can't come home. I agree, but not how I always saw this. You can't come back home to what was, or what you thought home was. Life moves on without you and your home isn't where you left it. You moved on and built a new one. And all your memories moved on as well. Your memories must move through time too, and you must be willing to catch up and let people be who they are currently.

Anyone ever experienced limerance? I have it in a major way. Now that we're discussing it, I've had shades of this my whole life. I currently can't get a person out of my head that I don't know, don't care about, and doesn't know I exist. I thought it was crazy when I got obsessed with Axle Rose. It's even more crazy when it's someone I went to highschool with and have no interest in being with. Yet my brain whispers crazy things. Ew. I do not like it.

I recenly made the mistake of allowing my exhusband to meddle in my current relationship. No no, don't bother, I've already taken off my cheppal and beaten myself with it. Very bad Rebekah. Not done. My partner and I made it through that, but Jesus H Christ. No fucking thank you.

And that's where I've landed Internets. I still feel on top, and I'm enjoying. I hope you do as well.

Content warning on this post I'm not sure why though. Was that too many fucks Blogger? I have two more for you right here.

~Becky~

I'm Buying a Fucking House!

 Mood: All over the place

Listening to: The fan and the birbs screaming

I know that I've been a bit of a Debby Downer lately on this blog - it's all been just a bit much - but I do have a few pieces of exciting news to share. 

First off, I found a therapist. I can only describe the process as extremely random, and I was extremely lucky. She's amazing and at the risk of making it awkward, I love her. As a therapist. Ahem. Therapy, as I'm sure surprises no one who's ever been in therapy, is difficult. Like really difficult. I'm hoping it's worth it in the long run. I also get to meet her in person for the first time tomorrow. I wanted an in person therapist but North Bangalore is a fricking desert in terms of psychological care. Anyhow, I'm anxious and excited. 

Now the big news. I'm sure my title has given it away a bit, but I'm in the middle of buying a house with my partner. It has been one of the most amazing and empowering feelings I've ever had. Me. I'm doing it. I'm fucking buying the house. I've been trying to pin down why this has been a priority my entire life (something with constantly moving and never feeling like I belong anywhere I suppose) and one that I had given up on after starting over financially at 38 with nothing but a few beans and a job.  I'm just over the moon. I have a voice when talking to the developers (who are absolute nonsense rowdies by the way) and I have agency. I am so fucking stoked. Do the kids still say that? I guess not - lets lable it irony.

The divorce has hit a standstill. My ex needed to be in the US during April and we have to have some thing notarized. It's worked out well from the notary part, but it's stretching out to a ridiculous degree. I'll be going home in May to do my notarizations and file the paperwork. The paperwork by the way is absolutley overwhelming. Not much gets to me in terms of being confusing or scary, but man oh man. We're using a service and not lawyers, so we're largely on our own. Anyhow, I'll be away from my youngest daughter for a month, and away from my partner and India for 3 months. I'm not really looking forward to that part much. It's kind of bad timing on the house bit (Bite off just what I can chew? Are you kidding??) but the house was perfect and would definitely not wait until I came back. 

My daughter is doing better after a medication adjustment and Im beginning to feel hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or perhaps we've just gone around the planet to where the sun shines again until it doesn't, who knows. Getting her to school is still a major battle and I still feel like all of the compromises must come from me. It's tiring. 

I've been riding my roller coaster as I always do. Up, down, sideways. But overall no complaints, things are stable right now. Let's see how it goes.

Becky