On the Edge of Something Good

 Mood: Motivated

Listening to: Diljeet of course.

So as I have mentioned on some other blogs - I've started a business. I won't bore you with too many details in this forum, but part of our strategy is social media and blog posting. I'm sharing a blog here that we are posting as even though the situations aren't matching identially, I feel many students coming in for studies can relate.

Long ago, and indeed very far away,  a very much younger me was laying in my bed, mind racing; My then-husband and I had decided to relocate to India (where he is from) for a while. Of course our motivations weren't anything to do with studying, but motivations hardly mattered at the moment. I felt brave, fearless, and terrified, all at the same time. How would I manage? Would my kids be ok? Would I make friends? What was the infrastructure? Would I be independent? These are just some of the wild thoughts racing through my head. I felt like I was on the cusp of something great and terrible. From my current vantage point years in, my original theory was correct. I can definitely imagine a student staring out the window shortly before departure with many similar questions and concerns.

This was before the days of conveniences like Ola, Zomato, Amazon, and Zepto existed in India. Before the days when ChatGPT had answers to all our questions. As I wondered what life would be like, my mind came up with a lot of wild ideas - I'm truly sorry for my American mindset, all of India is indeed not villages. We had lots of Indian friends, exposure to Bollywood, and some cooking skills. Honestly, I did do research but it wasn't overly effective. At the time, I had no idea what I didn't know. As much as America exists in cultural contexts in the news in India, it doesn't give anything close to a portrait of everyday life or accurate culture for students to go on. 

To make a long and drawn out story much more simple, it was nothing like I had imagined. To be sure, it was damn hard. Those original wild west days without a consistent support system saw a good deal of tears, frustration, and an intense desire to run back to the comfortable, cushy life I was used to. But I do not concede defeat easily. 

Eventually things got easier, as they tend to do. After a while, life got really good, especially with the advent of the conveniences I mentioned above. After living here (and I'm still here!) for such a long time, India in fact became home. For my own reasons and purposes I'm kind of a weird cultural mishmash of things, and India is a chosen home, even if it doesn't choose me back. I raised my kids here, started a career, went through a divorce, bought property, and got remarried. 

Whether it was great, terrible, or both, that moment laying in bed lead to many other choices that have shaped my life in ways I never could have anticipated. I try not to spend too much time thinking about how my life would have been different had I chosen a different path. Sometimes vague curiosity, but otherwise I don't find it too useful as I've never regretted that choice.  

Looking back, what I really could have used in those initial days was a friend or support to help with the adjustment to a totally different place, mindset, culture, and political scenario. I know that moving from the US to India and moving from India to the US are not identical or even particularly similar events. But moving to a completely different environment with the hopes, fears, and opportunities ahead of one is a universal experience. 

This is how Acculturis came into being. Not only have I had this experience, the dedicated folks that work with me in Acculturis have as well. We've all been there and our mission is to help people integrate, settle in with help, and and build their tribes. Ready to find your tribe without the tears and frustration? Visit Acculturis.us to learn how we can help you with your smooth landing.

~Becky~

Medicine and Telling the Truth - Or Why it's Ass for Doctors to Lie to You.

Listening to: To Be With you - Mr. Big

Mood: Productive

Hello Internets. It's me, the blogger who just has too much shit going on. Well, not literal shit, but definitely stuff. I've been wanting to get back into writing for a while now and I definitely have a lot to say. So here we are.

I've talked a lot about the medical system in India. In some ways, it's absolutely amazing. Medical care and medicine is very easily and quickly accessible, affordable, and can be top notch. Doctors, are a little more complex, and not always amazing. They do not always act in the best interest of the patient, and they aren't always transparent or factual about aspects of care.

I considered for a while if I even wanted to speak (figuratively) about this topic. While a great deal of India is after "Reviews", mostly what they want are gold stickers and positive feedback. I agree completely that positive feedback and credit where due is important so I'm going to try to balance the issue that way. I guess what I'm getting after here is that positive aspects and individuals do not excuse negative patterns, behaviors, and individuals. It's not a scale - at least not for me. I'm also planning to write a review though I do not anticipate a positive response from the medical testing facility. 

I've spoken at length as well about India and the allergy here to accountability. The group interest outweighs the interest of individuals, and usually, something dramatically bad (think death) has to happen before anything is done to remedy a situation. If that does happen, it's also used as a political and posturing tool for political parties to wrangle for power. It's disgusting, but believe it or not, you get use to it.

Background: My doctor recommended a test for me recently - I don't want to mention which one for privacy's sake. I happened to know that this particular test can be painful. The doctor also mentioned that it may be slightly uncomfortable (the only honesty I've found in this situation!) and mentioned it to be similar to a pap smear (absolutely not). For this reason, I pursued other options for as long as possible, but the test became necessary. My doctor had mentioned a diagnostic center that offered a "painless service". Again, knowing it can be painful, I decided to try that diagnostic center. When I spoke to the person, they informed that they used "gel" to make it painless. After I reached the facility, I was given a muscle relaxer, a Tylenol, and an injection "that specifically relaxes the muscles in the area". The clinic specifically used the word "painless," and both the doctor/radiologist and nurse assured me it was. They also assured me they would talk me through the procedure so I would know what was happening. I'll spare you further details on the actual procedure. Not only was it painful, but the doctor also did not tell me before doing the painful part that she had assured me she would. This is medical violence. When I spoke up, I was gaslit and told that it was not what she did. She also told me that for the amount of medication I received (which was less, by the way, due to my blood pressure being WAY up due to anxiety), I should not be feeling any discomfort. After I informed her that what I "should" be feeling was irrelevant if I explicitly told her what I was feeling, she left the room, opening the door while I was still in a state of undress, facing the door. Whew. My BP is going up again just thinking about it. It was traumatizing and unnecessary.

I've found that this isn't rare. Doctors do not feel the need or compulsion to establish rapport, maintain honesty, or do what is necessarily in the best interest of patients. I did some research as to what the expectations are in India. Generally, it's agreed upon that honesty (outside of certain, extreme cases) is the best strategy when dealing with patients. In fact, I wouldn't have been quite so upset had the doctor and staff been honest about a bit of pain. But that would have ruined the marketing of a "painless" procedure. 

India doesn't always have continuity of care. Over my years here, my primary doctor and specialists have changed over the years. When you see a new doctor (especially in large, money-driven private hospitals), you aren't always seen as a person by the doctor. They both see far, far too many patients to maintain individual relationships, and don't always figure there will be any consequences later on. 

Unfortunately, I've found that this creates a profound sense of distrust about the medical system. Instead of trusting a doctor to help me feel better, I wonder what I'll run into, what I need to look out for, and if I'm asking ALL the questions I need to. It sets up a combative relationship before you even seek care, which isn't optimal for anyone. It also seems extremely unethical, which creates a lot of dissonance in a country where doctors are revered almost next to God. 

I also feel that not having all the correct information interferes with an individual's choice and autonomy in medical decisions. Most of the doctors that I've run across feel that patients cannot make their own medical decisions due to a lack of knowledge or empowerment. While I do understand why that thinking exists, I don't agree with it at all. Medical autonomy is crucial. Medical violence and the ends justifying the means are not healthy for anyone. Women in particular are subject to this infantilization/withholding information, and it needs to stop.

I'm sure this isn't going to change. I imagine this is a part of the indoctrination (pun intended) for Doctors here as patient management skills. I find it a shame. 

~Becky~

The Updates - it's a positive post!

Mood: Down but rallying

Listening to: The silence, I've had enough music for today

I know my last post was a super bummer and really heavy. Sorry for the trauma dump. I had to follow up because since then, things in my life have started sorting themselves and I want to create space for that too. After I came back I indeed bought my house. We moved in last January and it's been a year of living here together with my partner. I have never loved anything other than my kids more than my house. It's absolutely amazeballs. See my garden blog! (Shameless plug)

I also got married again last May. Just a complete disclosure, it was not easy being married at first. There were a lot of doubts and fights, and adjustments to be made on every end. But I couldn't be happier now. Hopefully that's the last time I have to get married as well. Oh my internets, court weddings in India are a fucking trip. Just like everything else. 

I stopped therapy because I came to realize that my therapist wasn't actually that helpful. She got caught up on a weird power trip about making me cry. And then disappeared off into the ether when I got married for some reason. As if marriage fixes people and I didn't need therapy anymore. I still do, but I have 0 energy to find a new therapist and start over again. Even the thought is exhausting. 

My younger daughter went to stay at a residential therapy program in Coimbatore last year. It was a terrible time, but it was the best thing for her that we knew how to do. She came back and has been up and down since then. She doesn't live with me anymore due to some unfortunate choices on a few different fronts, but I feel we're finally getting her the help she needs, not that we weren't trying before.  

My relationship with my ex husband deteriorated after I got married again, and continues to even further now that I can't have my younger daughter live with me. It's been brutal to go through, but I feel it's best for her and he's her parent too. I see her regularly, just not at home.

I've been trying to launch a business in the US. Go see my Busting into Business blog! (shameless plug number 2!) for more information on that. It's been a great project to jump into and I'm super excited. 

I guess that brings us up to speed. Mostly happiness with a little bittersweet mixed in. 

~Becky~

You can never come home again....Until you Must: The Aftermath

Mood: So mad I could spit

Listening To: Suit Full Video Song - Guru Randhawa Feat. Arjun

I know this blog is a long time coming....like years. And much has changed. But as I renewed my commitment to writing, I was reading that blog entry and couldn't just leave it like that. The story is only half told and so, so very incomplete.

I did end up filing for the divorce myself. By myself. I attended all of the court dates up until the tense end alone (divorce granted 2 days before I was supposed to fly out!), and I got divorced by myself. It was one of the loneliest things I've ever experienced. It was awful and I hope I never have to go through that again.

Things did devolve with Mary (my mom) after my kids came. It was so bad internets. So bad. I can't tell you what it did to my own soul as a mother when my kids saw what was going on and asked why she was behaving like she was. I had no answers why she treated me like shit because she can't control me and doesn't actually like me as a person and it's obvious. Why when she realized that they had grown up and wouldn't be controlled either then she didn't really like them either. Why in the world it was ok to create a whole fucking scene over a disciplinary issue that was between my daughter and I. I had no answers. 

Most of the rest of my extended family couldn't be bothered to visit, though we went to the town they live in, and it was confusing and hurtful. My friends were too busy to be bothered. It was fucking brutal. Not only had home changed, it just didn't exist anymore. I left Illinois pretty sure that I wouldn't ever go back.

But I left with my divorce. And the confidence that I wasn't imagining the behaviors because my kids witnessed it too. It's validating and incredibly guilt-producing because I feel like I should never have brought them - it was my job to protect them. They've since assured me that they don't hold me responsible for her behavior but it's still a struggle for me. 

In the time since, I've slowly been ok with being in contact with Mary, but everything is surface level and unemotional. My kids won't be in touch with her, which I'm fine with. I still wish I could understand her or reach her at an emotional level, but I'm becoming ok with how things are.

Now my brother is getting married in Jamaica. I'm planning to go because for some reason I can't let go of that relationship. Or the semblance of family, I wouldn't really call them relationships. My brother is indifferent to me. My partner won't be coming, it's too much expense and time off of work, so I'll be going alone. I'm fine with this because we're trying for his visa and if it comes through, we'll be visiting my mom in November or December. It's important for him to meet my family. I'm indifferent and it causes me a lot of anxiety about what will happen. I'm not sure I can take another scene like that last visit. 

I know it's a super heavy post, but I understand family estrangements now and why some people choose to not stay in touch with their families. Those are not easy ties to break and if they break there's always a reason. Whew. I think I prefer my garden plants to people.

~Becky~