You can never come home again....Until you must

Listening to: Nohting, night time is silent here

Mood: I guess the stock answer is all over the place, because that's what I am 

Sooooo......i guess where we left off was when I was anxiously waiting to return home. Well, anxiously may be an overstatement, but yeah. Well, I did that. I'm currently camped out in small town USA. It's officially in IL for me if anyone is interested.

There's been much flower planting, cake eating, and well, frankly, much enjoying the single sloth life if I'm being honest. No kids, no agenda, just many sweet things, much reading/wriitng, and much realizing how much I value my step dad. The man talks so much internets. And has an interest in my life and thoughts.

So on to the important stuff: 1. My divorce has stalled out. We had decided to use a service (123divorce.com looking at you here) and it's not going as planned. As in they're not the least bit interested in getting done what I've paid for. I'm looking at a money back tantrum and self filing divorce on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday here). Not ideal.....but I'm not willing ot wait longer for something I can do too. Fuckin viva la learn to divorce internets. I bought a house, I can do this too.

Being at home has been.......well let's say interesting for my midwestern US readers. My relationship with my mom has become difficult - long before I came home. I had a lot of anxiety on this, but I'm doing ok. I'm still not happy with everything, but there's no shutting down either. I'm not going to say it's become ok, because it defintiely isn't, but I'm able to do me at the same time, with the hope that while I'm here we can have a few difficult conversations. It will get harder once the kids come, but I'm trying to prepare myself for that too.

I've been focusing on building myself and taking time for what I enjoy - this is the first significant amount of time I've been away from my kids in 20 years. I'm reading tons, writing, and enjoying the gym. I'm also enjoying cake in case anyone didnt get the memo. Fucking wonderful US cake. I'm starting my diet from June, but for now....cake.

I'm facing some things that are difficult from a relationship point of view too. My best friends are busy, my therapist is floating somewhere in the atmostphere, and I'm currently unmedicated. It's interesting. But I'm holding myself together. And not in the fake everything is fine way. It just is what it is and I'm doing good enough for now way. I love it.

People say you can't come home. I agree, but not how I always saw this. You can't come back home to what was, or what you thought home was. Life moves on without you and your home isn't where you left it. You moved on and built a new one. And all your memories moved on as well. Your memories must move through time too, and you must be willing to catch up and let people be who they are currently.

Anyone ever experienced limerance? I have it in a major way. Now that we're discussing it, I've had shades of this my whole life. I currently can't get a person out of my head that I don't know, don't care about, and doesn't know I exist. I thought it was crazy when I got obsessed with Axle Rose. It's even more crazy when it's someone I went to highschool with and have no interest in being with. Yet my brain whispers crazy things. Ew. I do not like it.

I recenly made the mistake of allowing my exhusband to meddle in my current relationship. No no, don't bother, I've already taken off my cheppal and beaten myself with it. Very bad Rebekah. Not done. My partner and I made it through that, but Jesus H Christ. No fucking thank you.

And that's where I've landed Internets. I still feel on top, and I'm enjoying. I hope you do as well.

Content warning on this post I'm not sure why though. Was that too many fucks Blogger? I have two more for you right here.

~Becky~

I'm Buying a Fucking House!

 Mood: All over the place

Listening to: The fan and the birbs screaming

I know that I've been a bit of a Debby Downer lately on this blog - it's all been just a bit much - but I do have a few pieces of exciting news to share. 

First off, I found a therapist. I can only describe the process as extremely random, and I was extremely lucky. She's amazing and at the risk of making it awkward, I love her. As a therapist. Ahem. Therapy, as I'm sure surprises no one who's ever been in therapy, is difficult. Like really difficult. I'm hoping it's worth it in the long run. I also get to meet her in person for the first time tomorrow. I wanted an in person therapist but North Bangalore is a fricking desert in terms of psychological care. Anyhow, I'm anxious and excited. 

Now the big news. I'm sure my title has given it away a bit, but I'm in the middle of buying a house with my partner. It has been one of the most amazing and empowering feelings I've ever had. Me. I'm doing it. I'm fucking buying the house. I've been trying to pin down why this has been a priority my entire life (something with constantly moving and never feeling like I belong anywhere I suppose) and one that I had given up on after starting over financially at 38 with nothing but a few beans and a job.  I'm just over the moon. I have a voice when talking to the developers (who are absolute nonsense rowdies by the way) and I have agency. I am so fucking stoked. Do the kids still say that? I guess not - lets lable it irony.

The divorce has hit a standstill. My ex needed to be in the US during April and we have to have some thing notarized. It's worked out well from the notary part, but it's stretching out to a ridiculous degree. I'll be going home in May to do my notarizations and file the paperwork. The paperwork by the way is absolutley overwhelming. Not much gets to me in terms of being confusing or scary, but man oh man. We're using a service and not lawyers, so we're largely on our own. Anyhow, I'll be away from my youngest daughter for a month, and away from my partner and India for 3 months. I'm not really looking forward to that part much. It's kind of bad timing on the house bit (Bite off just what I can chew? Are you kidding??) but the house was perfect and would definitely not wait until I came back. 

My daughter is doing better after a medication adjustment and Im beginning to feel hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or perhaps we've just gone around the planet to where the sun shines again until it doesn't, who knows. Getting her to school is still a major battle and I still feel like all of the compromises must come from me. It's tiring. 

I've been riding my roller coaster as I always do. Up, down, sideways. But overall no complaints, things are stable right now. Let's see how it goes.

Becky

I Don't Live There Anymore

Internets, anyone wants to guess what I'm going to say now? That's right - it's been a year to end all years.  I'm still upright and kicking, but as I look back, I can't believe I'm still sane. My previous woes have largely resolved - I have an amazing Team Lead working for me and my oldest has gone off to college and now her life is hers for the better or worse.

I feel things very deeply. I've been very open about the struggles with anxiety and depression that have been my constant companions my entire life. It hasn't been easy. Ever. But I guess that's the way life is, everyone has their own difficulties. 

I find myself stuggling with feeling alone. On the surface I'm very ok with being alone. I don't mind physically being alone. But I very very much mind feeling alone. It's something I've struggled with my entire life and have developed some very unhealthy coping mechanisms dealing with.  It's lead to a lot of codependent behaviors in my relationships that at the end of the day make me and my partner miserable.

I've been open with my struggles with health care, both in the US and in India. It's a maddening game of dice as to whether you'll get quality care or not. And that's just for identifiable physical issues. But not PCOS/hormone issues - that's absurd getting a solid answer. Take your vitamin D and do yoga already. Ahem. Put onion juice in your hair. Ahem. Not bitter at all. 

Mental health has been something that my whole family has been dealing with as my youngest has been struggling with a major depressive episode. We've had very trust breaking experiences with a psychiatrist, a few episodes with addictive psych meds, and luckily one very supportive councelor. Who is now moving and we can't follow her. Le Sigh. It's been a lot. 

Caring for someone else who needs intensive care, be it physical or mental, is a very exhausting task for any care taker, no matter how much they love the person and are ready to do what it takes. I thought single parenting was hard, that completely paled with what we went through this year. Had it not been for my partner I don't think we would have made it. Even the strongest people have to tap strength from somewhere on occasion.  When the caretaker is struggling with mental issues him or herself, the burden is triple. Thankfully, my daughter is amazing and is doing a lot of hard work to get better. I'm so proud of her. So fucking proud, internets. 

I've never considered seeing a therapist in my life and I'm actually trying to find one, again, because I feel the need for the support and self improvement so badly. As I mentioned, it can be great, or.....not. My first therapist was definitely not for me. We'll leave it at that.  Finding a quality physical doctor is hard enough in India - quality mental health professionals are almost like unicorns. 

In the midst of this, it has become apparent to my ex husband and I that it's time for us to actually get divorced. There were/are difficulties I won't get into - because they're boring - and both of us have moved on long back. We're both happy and wish each other the best. I still work for him and nothing in the divorce will be contentious. But the process has sparked a lot of anxiety about finances and finally being alone. Of course I've been alone for the past 3 years, but this is finality type alone. I'm ok with it, but it's damn scary.

My relationship with my partner isn't always easy either. I can't figure out if it's me, or him, or both of us. The constant push and pull is super stressful and I've lost some of my inner voice that makes sense of things. I will be getting married again to this person at some point, and I'm terrified that I'm going to repeat my mistakes and find myself again in a situation where I'm not safe or loved. One main reason for a therapist. I want someone to help me sort these feelings. 

Both of these gentlemen are very far from Bangalore at the moment, so I am indeed on my own. 

Anyhow, one of the strategies that I am using to deal with unhealthy behaviors and avoiding living in the past is reminding myself that I don't live there anymore. Many things have changed and I have made so much progress that I don't need to resort to the strategies that served me before. I'll be honest internets, this works approx 50% of the time for behavioral changes and doesn't really do shit for my anxiety. I don't live there anymore. Let's see where else I can reach.

~Becky~

Back on the Therapy Couch

 Mood: Sedated

Listening to: The birds singing and the odd non-lockdown type traffic

I'm back for another round of self analysis and therapeutic writing. I know, I know; always another problem. But writing is my only hope these days now that I actually value a functioning liver. 

The past few weeks - and if we want to be completely honest, the past 6 months - have been a rough ride. COVID has marched back in to Fuck Up People's Lives once again,  I am back at home and not in the office, my kids are not in school, and work has turned into a 5 ring circus complete with flaming bowling pins I am supposed to be juggling. On top of that, my boyfriend has fucked off to his home state for a very long time and I'm dealing with some pretty tough issues with my elder daughter. I also have both my kids all the time now. Both my ex husband and my children have made it quite impossible for me to have them stay with him. 

I have pretty good stamina for treading water and keeping my head above - both physically and metaphorically. But as with anyone I suppose, I reach a point where it all just becomes too much. I'm at one of those points right now. They key is to keep kicking just enough so that you don't drown, because once you go under, it's 3 times as hard to kick your way back to the surface. I can't afford to go to bed for a few weeks and ignore everything that's bothering me. 

I've talked many times about how I very much strive to be good at things. ALL THE THINGS. As I've been thinking about what is going wrong recently, I've been questioning some of my goals. I have been known to bite off the wrong amount on occasion. Ahem Ahem. But I don't think that's the case in my current situation. I recently made a big mistake at work. The kind that make people wonder if they should actually fire you for. It's no secret, I'm handling way more than I should be or am qualified for. But I do my job well most of the time and do not drop much. I am vastly understaffed and the strategy I have been using thus far needs to be re-thought. I find myself struggling to keep up with a rapidly changing company and position. I have the same thoughts about my parenting skills. No one will ever mistake me for the world's best parent, but I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Very wrong.  

Now that I've thought about it, those are the two issues that are really bothering me at present - work, and the parenting issue. And my support system being in a village thousands of miles away. Not cool. The rest are irritating, but will pass eventually. I have this unfortunate tendency to let ALL THE THINGS overwhelm me rather than just sitting down and paying attention to the root cause of what's bothering me and then making changes. Blah blah blah, healthy self aware adult behaviors blah blah. My strategy once I do identify these things is to identify the root cause and then try to change procedure until the situation has to change in the way I want it to. It's mainly effective, but not always. 

Now that I've done this little exercise, I feel much better. Writing therapy successful.

On a brighter note, the gym has opened again, and I have quite a few sore muscles. Working out at home is not my cup of tea. 

Becky

The Gallstones are Coming, The Gallstones are Coming!

 Listening to: Roseanna - Wheezer version

Mood:  Flighty

So yes, if anyone hasn't noticed, I like corny jokes. It's not red coats, it's gallstones. Ahem ahem. Never mind. 

Unfortunately, they aren't theoretical gallstones, they were real, and painful as fuck. There was a 6 am trip to the ER, a missing COVID test, a small surgery, more pain (oh so much more pain), and finally me sitting on my couch recovering. I have the remaining gallstones as a souvenir to gross out my kids and remind me that health is precious. In short, it's been a massive fuckery of a year since January. 

On a slightly separate note, while my bank account balance has disappeared after all this jumping around, my experience with Columbia Asia was dramatically and completely different (in an amazing way) than Motherhood. The hospital was organized, clean, and overall painless (mentally at least!). It also cost me less than I thought it would. For this, I'm immensely grateful.

I'm hoping I'm quite done with the health issues for a while - there have been more this year than I've had in my entire life, and I'm very committed to eating more healthy. 

Here's hoping the life finds you in better health than me!

~Becky~

What have you done in Life?

 Mood: Contemplative

Listening to: Jhoom Jhoom Ta Hua Main

I'll turn 40 this September. I'll hit midlife (not really, Im going to live to 140) around the time when Covid is hitting it's second stride properly. It sucks donkey balls folks. Office, gym and pool have again closed and I fucking hate it.

I look around me and I see signs of success wherever I look. People can afford property, fancy vehicles, blah blah blah. It comes rather surprising to me that I'm actually looking around - I've never been one for comparisons. At 39, I'm well and truly separated from a marriage - and on to a serious relationship. I never wanted nor had any control over my personal finances. Big mistake.  "Boyfriend," or so he has come to be called by my children, has gone home and is renovating his childhood home. While I'm happy for him that his family can afford to do this, I can't help but wonder how it would be when 10 lakh ruppees (around 13.6k dollars) would be something that was within reach for me. It sounds ridiculous, both from what I should be able to afford, and what I definitely cannot. I have a commitment for half of that towards a car. Which I don't even have yet because of stupidity.

No doubt I'm proud of where I've come in terms of taking control of my own fate, and building my own savings. But I still feel I have so so far to go. I plan to buy a house (my own freestanding house) within 5 years. I'm not sure if I'll get there, but I plan to put up a damn good fight. The thing on my mind today, is how we define success. It was always easy to say that my husband would be successful one day and that it didn't bother me that it wasn't that specific day. Its not so easy to say that my success can come at it's own pace. Of course this leads to thoughts of my never getting out of a rented apartment - a very depressing thought indeed. 

Internets, I'm theoretically half way through my earning years. And all I have to show for it is a janky piano and a new car I don't have yet. Rest all I have household goods not worth much, 0 property in a land where property is king, and 0 gold. Not an enviable position to be in. True - I don't owe anyone anything, but for half my life, I have nothing to show. I somehow feel I have failed at life so far.  I know it's not rational, and I can account for my time. But when even laborers can claim land, what do I have?

~Becky~

For When You Earn Your Body's Compliance

Listening to: Ek Ladki Bhigi Bhigi Si Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi

Mood: A Pleasant Exhausted

I know I've been whining a lot and it's been a rough 3 - 4 months, so I decided to focus on positive things today. 

Since Lockdown (and indeed on and off before then) I have been focusing my attention on whipping my sadly out of shape body into a shape besides overweight potato. If you've ready my blog in the past, or know me, you know that my weight has been an issue for me since I had my kids. My youngest is 13, so this isn't a new story. 

I've had on and off success over the years and try and focus on health rather than the numbers on the scale. The best success I had was a few years back when I started distance swimming. I was doing 3.5k KM a day. I lost around 30 lbs and was fit as anything.  Then my marriage and sense of self esteem tanked and I undid all the good work. I had begun to put myself back together when COVID hit. And of course the pool became off limits for a long time. 

I did my best at home, bought weights and all. It was a good beginning, but not cutting it for fitness. When the gym in my complex opened, my partner encouraged me to go and started his own fitness journey. Since then, I've been weight lifting and doing cardio. It took a very long time to see changes. 

Well halle-fucking-lujia, the pool has opened again. And I have been at it like a fiend for a week. I have already lost 4 pounds and can see a difference in how my clothes fit and my body looks. I fucking love it. I was happy to find out that I was able to complete a whole 3.5k - I had my doubts because it had been so long. But I was able and I haven't looked back. Let me tell you internets, it's not a cake walk - it's fucking exhausting. But I'm never so proud of myself as when I climb out of the pool after a full set.

The biggest challenge ahead is just to keep moving the same direction exercise wise and control my diet. This is the hard one because I sure do love to eat. Especially stuff that's not good for me. Ahem. 

Another unpleasant discovery of mine is that my BP is going buck wild and is way too high. I'm hoping that exercise and a better diet can bring it down, but I may need medication. Let's see how it goes. 

There's a benefit to being stubborn and getting back up and working on things even if you fail. 

~Becky~