Friday, June 26, 2020

Being Apart

Listening to: Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen
Mood: Contemplative

I don't talk much about the downsides of my decision to move half way around the world  - mainly because I don't focus on them. But I want to talk about them today.

I think the worst thing about being in India is that my family is most notably not it India. They are firmly ensconced in the Midwest. as they have been for a few generations.

I was talking with my daughter recently about how sometimes it creates disappointment when life and family don't turn out how you had hoped. I'm sure my mother deals with this, my grandfather, my inlaws, etc. I'm sure they saw their relationships turning out differently than they had.

It's actually hard to talk to my family sometimes. I miss them like crazy, but it's hard to reconcile for me that I'm the reason for that disappointment due to my choices. I was always the good child/grandchild. India is so fulfilling for me, it's hard to  be ok with disappointing so many people with my choices.

Covid has made this rather difficult as I truly wanted and planned to visit home every year going forward. And then I couldn't. I'm ever mindful that my family grows older by the year - My Grandfather is turning 94 next month! I know that my time is limited and every moment going by is precious. Even my mom turned 64 this year.

When you don't have anything current you can relate to you rely on history to patch you through. I called my grandfather today. I used to be very good at this and call regularly when my grandmother was alive; since she died it's been harder. Most of our conversation was reminiscing, but it was so nice to reconnect with my grandfather. He was such an influential person in my life and positive male role model.

One of the fallouts from my separation from my husband was that it was difficult to talk to different people because of secrets. I don't think my grandfather has any idea that life has taken this curve for me, and I don't want him to know. He suffered enough when my mom got divorced. So I have to answer questions about how he is doing, how his family is doing. I wouldn't know.

I'm not sure how anyone who has walked this path has reconciled, and I do the best I can. Family is the best source of strength and the worst source of many weaknesses. I'm still learning how to lean on people and how I need to be there for them.


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