Hello Fellow Covid Isolates,
Hopefully you are all well stocked with toilet paper, vegetables, and meat. While we don't have problems with toilet paper here in India (bidets people, bidets), the supply chain of normal consumer goods has pretty much broken and the current state is 2 middle fingers to the wind. At least near where I live that's how it is. We have vendors in our apartment, but what they will supply and at what price on what day is like a delightful game of roulette. From what I've heard, the neighborhood is shut down and shops are not open. Don't even ask about meat. It doesn't exist right now apparently. Amazon has fully retreated into it's compound with the guns pointed outward. We aren't even allowed to leave the compound and try to find other sources of groceries. It's certainly a tense situation. But we are safe and not infected, so I'll just be thankful for those chickens.
As far back as I can remember, anxiety and depression have been a constant shadow for me. My parents both did and do struggle from both issues and I believe in genetics as well as how home environments teach people behaviors. How well balanced I've been able to be and control both of these issues has varied over the years. Of course difficult situations exacerbate those problems and I have had my share. I'm not a medication person unless really needed and these never seemed that serious to me that I'd need medication.
I'm not really a people person. Interacting with others is an odd mix of I wish I could, but I'm super picky about whom I wish to be around. Making friends has been an interesting but ultimately futile exercise in India.
After years of struggling with this, I've found that having a productive job helps me feel like I have a purpose. Of course I'm a mom, there's always purpose in that too, but that never met my criteria for what I wanted out of life. Of course I wanted to and love being a mom, but I never found purpose in that. I'm not sure if that's terrible or not, but that's how I feel.
My job is people-y. It's heavily involved in infrastructure maintenance and meeting people face to face as well as doing paperwork and HR type things. All of those functions have vanished into thin air for the time being leaving me with very little real work to do. I feel disconnected from the company and the people I used to meet everyday.
So I find myself with very little work to do everyday. I fill my time with my kids, cooking, cleaning, reading. But after you've hand scrubbed all of the floors and corners, how much housework can one do? And after the kids have gone to stay with their dad, who is there to talk to? Who is there to cook for? Anyhow, the point is I'm struggling with this enforced isolation. I'm sure as many other people are.
I was told recently that I'm a phone addict. After some thought, I agreed with this assessment. Not for the reasons that were given to me, but because it gives me anxiety to leave things unanswered, so I tend to compulsively check my phone every few minutes whether or not a notification noise has come. I actually counted the other day. I got to 50 way faster than I should have and was rather horrified at what I was doing. So I decided to put my phone away during the day and only check twice. I allowed myself to answer the phone if it rings, but not to check notifications.
Let me tell you that was one interesting exercise. I didn't completely succeed the first day. I ended up checking 4 times rather than 2. You may say to yourself that isn't too bad. The problem is I'm not good with limits and if 4 is ok, why not 6, 8, 10, you get the point. I ended up, as most addicts do, feeling anxious and uncomfortable all day. I anticipated this. This is not the first time I've dealt with addictions and I understand withdrawl. I think had the timing of this experiment gone differently it may have been a little easier. But I committed myself to it and I'm going to stick it out.
When I shared these feelings with the person who pointed it out to me, he was not surprised. He also pointed out (in the politest way) that since my husband moved out, I've become lazy and very negative thinking. Let me tell you folks, this bowled me over hard. Those are two very dirty words in my family.
The past 5 years have been harder for me than everything else in my life other than my parent's divorce. This past year and especially the last few months have been excruciating in their own way. I'm still figuring out where my life is going and how to keep myself going in a positive direction. I've been working on myself and I'd like to think that I've definitely made a lot of progress from who I was even a year ago. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but that one sentence carpet bombed whatever I've achieved for the year.
The worst part was I didn't see this coming, and I don't see myself like that.
It's been difficult to find the motivation to do anything after hearing this. I haven't talked about my depression or anxiety to this person, although I am sure he knows to a degree. I also wonder how much he understands how these issues affect me at the best of times, forget the times when I'm really fighting to stay upright. The past few months have been no frills ones just trying to not engage in destructive behaviors. Hearing I am lazy because of this is very disheartening.
I'm not sure how to end this post. I guess just like this. I'll keep you updated as things progress.
~Becky~
