For When You Discover Your Best Wasn't Enough, and Never Will Be

 Mood: Exhausted and down

Listening to: Shiva Tandava Stotram Original Powerful & Best Trance

As I've previously mentioned, the last year or so has been a time when I've been putting a lot of focus inward and trying to fix some of the self destructive behaviors I've come to rely on and actually fix some of the gaping holes in me rather than ignoring them or applying a nice bright band aid when surgery is actually needed. It's been exhausting, difficult, and I haven't always succeeded or made progress in every direction. But I have made progress. And continue to fight to do so. 

I'm a weird mix of I need people to recognize me and I don't care what people think. I suppose recognition is a basic want of most people, so  I don't feel too bad about this. Being able to be ok if people don't recognize my efforts or my work has been something relatively new. It's glorious. However I find this incredibly difficult to do when it's someone I very much care for. 

If my marriage taught me anything, its that no one should have much of a say in how much I like myself, and self acceptance really has nothing to do with anyone else at all. Such easy words to say, not always easy concepts to internalize and honor.

I'm also a type A when it comes to being good at what I do. Everything. I want to be good at everything. Obviously this is not possible, and I'm not delusional to think that I'm good at everything. I very much am not. But I want to be. Badly. So finding those things that I'm not really good at, or that I will never be enough for someone's standard really is difficult for me. I've made some progress on making myself recognize that I'm not good at certain things and never will be. 

It's a particularly devastating feeling for me when I recognize this in my partner, especially considering that this was such a problem in my marriage. Unfortunately, the issues in question aren't small things. It's not something like leaving the toilet seat up or down. They are issues that I feel are tied to compatibility and honor. Ones that you can't work around if someone finds you not suiting their needs. 

Of course this has led to much over thinking and contemplation on suitability on my end.  I'm not sure what to do with this realization. Or even if I should do anything. 

~Becky~

The Brain Meltiness of Learning Another Language

Listening to: I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran and Justin Beiber

Mood: In a fish fry mood

For those whom I haven't mentioned it to, I've been working on learning Hindi for the past.....10 years or so. Now you might think that hey, she probably is quite fluent. You dear reader are wrong. So very wrong. I try, very hard, but getting things to come out in the correct fashion is still eluding me beyond interactions with the vegetable market. And I suspect they find it cute and just control their laughter.

My best friend is a native Hindi speaker (as well as a few other exotic languages like Pahadi and Punjabi I think). We tend to joke around a lot and there's a Hindi phrase that gets tossed around quite a bit. I'm not going to share that phrase because it will not translate well and I don't want to explain the whole inside joke. Moving on. I decided today that I was going to take that phrase and turn it into a double meaning limerick type rhyme. 

Now, I'm no English genius either. However, being musically inclined has made me have an ear for rhythm and well, dear readers, double meaning items (poems, songs, etc) just make me insanely happy. So I banged my head for a while coming up with rhyming words for that phrase. Think you know another language readers? Try to rhyme in it. Oh. My. God. Then try to make the grammar work out in a way that isn't horrifying. Then take out your shotgun and pray because it probably didn't.

Anyhow, I did this, and apologized in advance for any butchery. But to be honest, I was very tickled with the fact that it rhymed and did a decent job with the meter and double meanings. Until my *very tactful* friend, in the very nicest way possible said, ".......how about you translate for me."

Oh God damn it readers. When someone says that, it means whatever you were trying to say has been butchered beyond belief or redemption.  I just started laughing because I knew I had completely fucked it up. 

I put him off for a while because things don't always translate back well and it would destroy the rhyme to see it in English. He insisted, so I translated the poem that I had to translate into Hindi, back into English. And reader it was gruesome.  To sum up this whole story, only I thought it was funny and I cluster bombed a language I've been learning forever.

Ew. After learning for this long, I'm continually impressed with people who pick up languages quickly, especially languages that are not in the family of their mother tongue. Hats off to you.

~Becky~

Being Apart

Listening to: Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen
Mood: Contemplative

I don't talk much about the downsides of my decision to move half way around the world  - mainly because I don't focus on them. But I want to talk about them today.

I think the worst thing about being in India is that my family is most notably not it India. They are firmly ensconced in the Midwest. as they have been for a few generations.

I was talking with my daughter recently about how sometimes it creates disappointment when life and family don't turn out how you had hoped. I'm sure my mother deals with this, my grandfather, my inlaws, etc. I'm sure they saw their relationships turning out differently than they had.

It's actually hard to talk to my family sometimes. I miss them like crazy, but it's hard to reconcile for me that I'm the reason for that disappointment due to my choices. I was always the good child/grandchild. India is so fulfilling for me, it's hard to  be ok with disappointing so many people with my choices.

Covid has made this rather difficult as I truly wanted and planned to visit home every year going forward. And then I couldn't. I'm ever mindful that my family grows older by the year - My Grandfather is turning 94 next month! I know that my time is limited and every moment going by is precious. Even my mom turned 64 this year.

When you don't have anything current you can relate to you rely on history to patch you through. I called my grandfather today. I used to be very good at this and call regularly when my grandmother was alive; since she died it's been harder. Most of our conversation was reminiscing, but it was so nice to reconnect with my grandfather. He was such an influential person in my life and positive male role model.

One of the fallouts from my separation from my husband was that it was difficult to talk to different people because of secrets. I don't think my grandfather has any idea that life has taken this curve for me, and I don't want him to know. He suffered enough when my mom got divorced. So I have to answer questions about how he is doing, how his family is doing. I wouldn't know.

I'm not sure how anyone who has walked this path has reconciled, and I do the best I can. Family is the best source of strength and the worst source of many weaknesses. I'm still learning how to lean on people and how I need to be there for them.

~Becky~

The Sun is Peaking Out

Listening to: Qabool Hai
Mood: Positive

Hello Locked down folks. Hope you are all healthy and happy still. 

Last time I wrote, I talked about my anxiety and depression and the situation that we find ourselves in. Things have gotten better since that post. Anxiety and depression tend to follow a cycle for me. The bad times last anywhere from weeks to months, depending on the situation and my response to it. There are definitely things I can do to help, but how long it sticks around is not always in my control. 

Anyhow, things have been improving and the noticeable things about the cycle easing are there.  I also had a discussion with my friend on how this affected me. It was a very uncomfortable conversation for me, but I feel we understand each other better now. 

I have been trying new things in the kitchen and have been cooking like a mad woman lately, with very tasty results. I also have been working on my second novel quite a bit, which is making me very happy. Unfortunately, I have not been able to do much on the piano as it needs work and trying to play out of tune just makes me want to puke. At least one child has been in my home for the past few weeks, so that helps as well, giving me things to do. 

Stay happy and healthy!

Becky

Anxiety and Depression Suck Donkey Balls

Hello Fellow Covid Isolates,

Hopefully you are all well stocked with toilet paper, vegetables, and meat. While we don't have problems with toilet paper here in India (bidets people, bidets), the supply chain of normal consumer goods has pretty much broken and the current state is 2 middle fingers to the wind. At least near where I live that's how it is. We have vendors in our apartment, but what they will supply and at what price on what day is like a delightful game of roulette. From what I've heard, the neighborhood is shut down and shops are not open. Don't even ask about meat. It doesn't exist right now apparently. Amazon has fully retreated into it's compound with the guns pointed outward.  We aren't even allowed to leave the compound and try to find other sources of groceries. It's certainly a tense situation. But we are safe and not infected, so I'll just be thankful for those chickens.

As far back as I can remember, anxiety and depression have been a constant shadow for me. My parents both did and do struggle from both issues and I believe in genetics as well as how home environments teach people behaviors. How well balanced I've been able to be and control both of these issues has varied over the years. Of course difficult situations exacerbate those problems and I have had my share. I'm not a medication person unless really needed and these never seemed that serious to me that I'd need medication. 

I'm not really a people person. Interacting with others is an odd mix of I wish I could, but I'm super picky about whom I wish to be around. Making friends has been an interesting but ultimately futile exercise in India. 

After years of struggling with this, I've found that having a productive job helps me feel like I have a purpose. Of course I'm a mom, there's always purpose in that too, but that never met my criteria for what I wanted out of life. Of course I wanted to and love being a mom, but I never found purpose in that. I'm not sure if that's terrible or not, but that's how I feel. 

My job is people-y. It's heavily involved in infrastructure maintenance and meeting people face to face as well as doing paperwork and HR type things. All of those functions have vanished into thin air for the time being leaving me with very little real work to do. I feel disconnected from the company and the people I used to meet everyday. 

So I find myself with very little work to do everyday. I fill my time with my kids, cooking, cleaning, reading. But after you've hand scrubbed all of the floors and corners, how much housework can one do? And after the kids have gone to stay with their dad, who is there to talk to? Who is there to cook for? Anyhow, the point is I'm struggling with this enforced isolation. I'm sure as many other people are. 

I was told recently that I'm a phone addict. After some thought, I agreed with this assessment. Not for the reasons that were given to me, but because it gives me anxiety to leave things unanswered, so I tend to compulsively check my phone every few minutes whether or not a notification noise has come. I actually counted the other day. I got to 50 way faster than I should have and was rather horrified at what I was doing. So I decided to put my phone away during the day and only check twice. I allowed myself to answer the phone if it rings, but not to check notifications. 

Let me tell you that was one interesting exercise. I didn't completely succeed the first day. I ended up checking 4 times rather than 2. You may say to yourself that isn't too bad. The problem is I'm not good with limits and if 4 is ok, why not 6, 8, 10, you get the point. I ended up, as most addicts do, feeling anxious and uncomfortable all day. I anticipated this. This is not the first time I've dealt with addictions and I understand withdrawl. I think had the timing of this experiment gone differently it may have been a little easier. But I committed myself to it and I'm going to stick it out.

When I shared these feelings with the person who pointed it out to me, he was not surprised. He also pointed out (in the politest way) that since my husband moved out, I've become lazy and very negative thinking. Let me tell you folks, this bowled me over hard. Those are two very dirty words in my family. 

The past 5 years have been harder for me than everything else in my life other than my parent's divorce. This past year and especially the last few months have been excruciating in their own way. I'm still figuring out where my life is going and how to keep myself going in a positive direction. I've been working on myself and I'd like to think that I've definitely made a lot of progress from who I was even a year ago. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but that one sentence carpet bombed whatever I've achieved for the year.  
The worst part was I didn't see this coming, and I don't see myself like that. 

It's been difficult to find the motivation to do anything after hearing this. I haven't talked about my depression or anxiety to this person, although I am sure he knows to a degree. I also wonder how much he understands how these issues affect me at the best of times, forget the times when I'm really fighting to stay upright. The past few months have been no frills ones just trying to not engage in destructive behaviors. Hearing I am lazy because of this is very disheartening.

I'm not sure how to end this post. I guess just like this. I'll keep you updated as things progress.

~Becky~

Happiness

Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: The ceiling fan go crazy and not make a big difference



I've been thinking about happiness lately. There's a lot that's been said about happiness and it's importance.  There are of course many many Facebook experts that will tell you that you just need to do X or that you just need to adjust your thinking.  Many Self Help books. All the narratives that we grow up with thrown in the mix.

I always thought that happiness was tied to security and being content. This can mean many different things to different people. I also believe that people are responsible for their own happiness. If a situation isn't so great, you should change it, if you can. The older I get, the more difficult this becomes to hold on to as a belief.

Life has been rough for me for quite a while, and for the past year and a half, it's been rough for my family too. I feel that even though I go through brief times of happiness, it's more the quiet times that come between stressful times. I spent a long time until very recently dealing with stress and not being happy in very destructive and unproductive ways. As I've moved away from those coping mechanisms, I find it harder to ignore emotional upsets and stressed. As much and I try, I'm not a person who can just remain unaffected when things are difficult - I get stressed quite easily.

I've come to wonder as of late if happiness is one of those narratives that Disney and society have hyped so much that I'm chasing something that doesn't exist. I feel guilty that I'm trying to make myself happy and having a difficult time when so many other people have it very difficult. We're in the middle of a world wide health crisis for fuck's sake and I'm whining about happiness. I guess I should be happy we're all (relatively) healthy and alive.

The Covid is coming!

Hello Fellow (hopefully) Socially Distancing folks,

I hope you are well and washing your hands like adults on a regular basis. 

Our office has closed to be supportive of social distancing. As my work is largely WITH other people aside from random paperwork, my work from home is a patchwork of housework that I have sorely neglected, child care, and cooking. And naps. Glorious glorious naps. Most of my music classes have been suspended as well. So I suddenly have LOTS of time on my hands.

I have once again decided to be more regular with writing. I've been having trouble writing as of late - I flipflop between my blogs and my new novel, largely getting nothing done. So I've decided to dedicate an hour a day to just writing. If it goes well, I may decide to do 1 hour each of blogging and novel. But I'm not getting overly exicted about this just yet. 

I also have decided to be more serious (read start) about exercise. While I do not have access to the pool (didn't you know that spreads Corona Virus too? It doesn't.) or the gym (ok I can understand this one), what I do have is time.....so. I have ear marked some time in the evening for running and strength training. 

Let's see how it goes.

Stay healthy my friends.

 Becky