Wednesday, March 21, 2012

From the Archives: An Ode to my Building

Listening to: Guns N Roses – Civil War

Mood: Ornery
I figured I should just keep the train rolling today. It may be a while before I blog again.  I decided to write a little something about my neighbors and my building. I like living here. My apartment kicks ass and it’s a decently nice neighborhood.  Most of the people I’m writing about I haven’t really met and don’t really know. I just know them as the people I share a floor with or pay money to every month to live here.

To the Bird Lady next door:
I don’t really know you that well. In fact, the only thing I know about you is that you’re African and that you have birds. I didn’t think we were allowed to – but whatever, I don’t really care if you do.  I like birds.  Let me tell you something. I don’t bite. Most of the time.  If I smile at you in the hallway, I’m not being creepy. I’m not going to try to convert you to Jehovah’s Witness or force my way into your apartment. I’m just being neighborly. Smile back.  You might like me if we ever get to talking.

To the violent people next door:
I don’t know what it is about that apartment. I think it may be cursed or have bad karma or something. Every single person who moves in here has domestic issues. We’ve had 3 or 4 neighbors since we moved in and every single time they get into nasty, loud, violent fights.  I seriously thought someone was going to get killed before you moved in when they had a 7 am fight and started throwing furniture.  Then there were the people after them who tried breaking down the door to get at the person inside.  Another loud screaming match ensued. Then you moved in. You have quieted down some. I was really worried when you had a fight and asked me to call the police. I HATE getting involved with other people’s drama.  You get locked out by someone, it’s your problem, not mine. I know it sounds cold, but this is not the ghetto. Do not involve me in your drama.  One more thing. Everyone can smell your pot. You may want to open a window.

To the chimneys by the stairwell:
You have been the bane of my pregnancy every morning. You have got to have the nastiest, smelliest apartment ever.  All I have to do is walk by and I can smell the stench of old, concentrated, cigarette smoke. Seriously, you make the hallway smell like a dive bar. I cannot imagine what it smells like inside. You really stink.  I don’t have any recommendations for you because I don’t think that smell will ever come out. After all those cigarettes you can’t have that much longer left anyhow. Would it be too much to ask you to open a window and air it out a bit, or at least when you smoke?  The rest of us don’t want to have to worry about getting cancer just from walking by your apartment.  And we really don’t have much of a choice seeing as to how you are right by the stairs and elevator.

To whomever it is who cooks fish/seafood every night:
Whatever it is you are cooking, I’m going to assume it tastes good. But it makes the hallway smell like a commercial seafood dock. It’s just nasty. The smell is SO strong! If I’m not eating it, I really don’t want to smell fish and seafood.  Again. Open a frickin window or use a fan.

To whomever cooks dinner with all that garlic:
Seriously: I’m going to invite myself to dinner if you don’t stop making it smell so yummy!

To the lady with the 2 little boys at the end of the hall:
We met at the dam once and I’m ashamed to say that I can’t remember your name. I don’t think you remember mine either. It’s okay. I love saying hi when we see each other in the hall or elevator. It would be fun to have a play date with you and your kids sometime. I’m afraid, though, that between your boys and my daughter, the building might get torn down.  It has little to do with being boys. My daughter is just as wild, but there’s only one of her.  Put them all together and we may be taken hostage. J

To the owners of the building:
Sigh. Where do I start? My main gripe with you is the porch renovation project going on right now.  What in the world where you thinking? I’m hoping this project was necessary for safety. Otherwise I might take hostages. I don’t’ think you are aware of how extremely LOUD it has been for the past few weeks. It’s like living in a construction site. It is such a loud, jarring noise I can hardly hear myself think. Don’t jackhammers cause hearing loss? Let me tell you, you don’t have the walls or windows insulated enough to cut out ANY noise pollution. It’s enough to give someone a migraine. If they must drill like that, can you please tell them that 9 am on Saturday is a BAD idea. I almost threw some very heavy candles at them when they started that last weekend.  That is just not right.

Have a good week.

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