Wednesday, March 21, 2012

From the Archives: That's it, I'm Reading the Riot Act


 For anyone around me who has had their head stuck in a gofer hole for the past 9 months, I’m pregnant. I’ve tried not to be the knocked up chick who just can’t manage to talk about anything other than her “bump” with a decent amount of success. However. It’s not a secret. As of the past 3 months, you would have to be blind to miss it. Seriously. All I need is a shaved head and a lotus position to pass for a laughing Buddha. My due date is also a well advertised fact. That and the fact that I am not having a comfortable pregnancy. I want it over with. So why in the world do people just not get it?   Now I wasn’t really planning this out well last winter when we started trying to conceive, but having a baby around Thanksgiving when you have another preschool aged child who also has a birthday around that time is a BAD idea. I’m a nice person. Well, most of the time anyhow. I’m polite to people and usually smile and say please and thank you because that’s the way I want to be treated. However, I’m pregnant. Knock on wood, this will be the last time, and I really am finding myself giving less than 1 whole flying granola bar about being nice. There are a 
few people who I really want to knock upside the head for just not getting it.

To My Over Eager Friend who is Living My Pregnancy Vicariously:
I understand that you are done having kids and miss the whole pregnancy and baby thing as your youngest just turned 3.  You also happen to be related to me through marriage and I consider you to be a Fantastic in-law and friend. I know you are beyond thrilled to have another niece to add to the growing herd of girls that is our family. However. You really need to take a breath. I can barely make myself get out of bed in the morning and waddle into the kitchen to make my daughter lunch for preschool.  I know you are excited, but I really do not want people at my house. I love that we only live 2 hrs apart. Our kids will be close and it’s great to have family around, but please. I really do not even feel like making polite conversation with my husband right now. None the less having people over that require that I get up and get dressed in a normal fashion. I love my nieces, but having 3 girls at my house imitating a tornado instead of 1 is just something I’m not up for. Not only that, but you seem to want to come over EVERY weekend. I have had company my entire pregnancy in the form of your parents and your family. The. Entire. Pregnancy. I am loving my peace and quiet right now.  Don’t take it personally, but I’m leaning toward emotional basket case and would rather while away my time in peace and quiet.

To the Guilt Trip Peanut Gallery RE Excitement:
Yes. I am excited to be adding another daughter to my family. Having a baby is lots of fun, and it’s been a long time since I had a baby in the house. 4 years. However, I am not the type to go bouncing off the walls from excitement. I’m just too tired and uncomfortable. Please stop making me feel like a freak because I am not showing my excitement in the same way as you. We have a name for her, plenty of clothes/diapers/socks etc. We’re very ready for her. However, I am just ready to be done being pregnant and have the baby around. The excitement has lasted for 9 long months. I’m ready to end the anticipation and just get on with it. I’m not a very excitable person to begin with.  Add 6 months of discomfort, and I tend to just come off ornery.

To My Daughter’s Preschool Teacher:
I understand that you are a very busy person. We love you. You take good care of our daughter while she is at school. However.  I warned you before the school year started that I was having a baby in early December. Why in the world would you assign me snack week at the end of October? Did it not occur to you that an 8 month pregnant mom would not be really thrilled to have to make some extra trips to the grocery store and get up early to cut up healthy snacks for 12 children? The look on your face was priceless when I brought in potato chips the first day. Give me a break! I love to cook and bring things in, but the timing was just wrong.  Did you really need to have me bring stuff in for Thanksgiving too? I finally gave up and just brought store bought cupcakes for my daughter’s birthday (I would usually label this sacrilege) but I just don’t have the energy or inclination to bend over and retrieve things from a hot oven right now. I also don’t want to go and sit with 12 other moms and dads tomorrow and eat Thanksgiving dinner. My husband has abandoned me in an effort to bring home the bacon, so I will have to sit and make polite conversation by myself. I just don’t want to right now, but if I don’t, you will convince me my daughter will be scarred for life. Again, it really is a matter of bad timing. Anyhow, she’s going to be scarred for life with the arrival of her new sister. Siblings do that to you.  If I hear any crap about not being there for the Christmas program – which by the way is directly ON my due date, well, I just better not hear anything about it.

To my Husband:
You have been stepping up to the plate in a fantastic way, even if I have to remind you of certain things every once in a while, and I love you for it. Just a few things we need to iron out.  You really need to stop the guilt trip issues. If I choose not to get completely dressed on a certain day – butt out. I don’t walk around nude and our daughter is not going to be warped seeing me walk to the bathroom in the morning in just my underwear and a tee. If I decide that I can handle picking up our daughter from preschool after the baby is born and I expressly tell you that, do not bully and nag me into calling someone to arrange to have her picked up. I will start chucking heavy objects at you.  Now is really not the time for you to decide that you know what is best for me in terms of socializing. I really don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m not particularly good at shooting the breeze with people in general – now I am not even going to put forth the effort. Heck, I really don’t even feel like talking to you, my best friend, or even my mother. Do not abandon me in social situations in a misguided attempt to force me to make friends, especially if I have specifically told you how I feel about it. If you do, I am going to sit there and pass time and mentally throw objects at you for making me sit there without an easy person to talk to. I just don’t want to talk to anyone right now. They may be nice people, and I will make more of an effort when I don’t feel like a hippo, but it just ain’t happening right now, so I consider this to be especially cruel. P.S. Just because you have a job to go to doesn’t mean you automatically get excused from school nonsense like Thanksgiving dinner. If I have to sit there, so do you.

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