"Navigating a Complex World: Why Your Journey as an International Student Matters"

 As a foreign student contemplates a foreign education in the US these days, he or she may wonder if it’s even worth the trouble to face the social environment, visa troubles, and subsequent H1B uncertainty.

From where I’m sitting, countries stand to benefit a lot from more diverse populations, especially those of students. An increased talent quotient (as bad as brain drain is for India!), significant revenue generation, and increased cultural variety and exposure for a local population actually benefit both the immediate environments and cities of foreign students as well as the countries they temporarily reside in.

While local talent is robust, hosting foreign students allows a university, a city, and the entire country to have a higher talent quotient than may otherwise be present. This increased talent quotient fosters a sense of invention, innovation, and intellectualism – all traits that benefit any country or environment. Having a higher talent quotient also adds to a growing business environment and drives revenues due to more productivity and better quality of work. If we extrapolate this across all of the potential employers in the US, it’s not an insignificant factor.  

In the US alone, foreign students have a marked impact on revenue in the US through tuition and rent.  In 2022/2023, foreign students contributed $40.1 billion to the economy, during the COVID-19 pandemic, no less. That’s a very shiny and huge penny. It's certain that US colleges and universities benefit directly from the foreign populations they support, especially in states like New York, Texas, and California. The foreign remittance that goes back to students’ homes cannot be ignored either. The ability to get a “branded” education from the US often times leads to better job opportunities, better income for the student, and potentially life-changing trajectories for a family. If students are driving so much revenue just from rent and tuition (leave alone corporate revenue and benefits), it stands to say that allowing themselves to better their financial situations and support their families is a win-win situation.

The entire country also benefits from increased cultural variety and exposure. An increase in art forms, food varieties, music, and global perspectives helps lead local citizens to have a more global viewpoint and take a broader view of humanity and empathy than those who have less or no exposure. Exposure also helps a population to look past the natural human instinct to fear and “other” those who are different. The world is now thoroughly connected and having a tolerance and understanding of those different from oneself is vital to not only personal growth, but community and national growth as well.

As a student or any foreign resident, know that you still have a lot to contribute to the environment in America, even if it’s not a simple time right now. Put your best (your country) foot forward and shine, being the best you. Use this experience to question your own biases, examine if you, too, have room for growth. Life abroad can be challenging, and you may encounter difficult people. Don’t let fear stop you from pursuing your dreams and moving in a way that’s genuine to you. Lastly, I would encourage you not to lump all Americans into the hateful bucket. I know it’s easy to do, and if you engage with any media at all, it makes it seem as if the entire country feels and behaves like this; they don’t. Find the folks who gel with you and help you on your own personal growth journey.  Exposure to outsiders is critical for us to evolve as a species and continue to move towards a more enlightened and open mindset, and you, my dear foreign student, are a part of that. And that’s truly amazing, keep your head up.

Acculturis is here to support you as you build your tribe, and we believe deeply in the value that foreign students bring to the excellent city of Indianapolis. Come check us out for support in relocating to a university, settling down once you arrive, or having the support of a thriving international community and building friends. We got you.

 

“Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration” - Frank Herbert, Dune

Another blog from the Acculturis Desk. If you have or are an International student going to Indianapolis US to study, Acculturis provides college Student Services for International and domestic students. Check us out at: acculturis.us.

I’m not sure how many of this audience have read the Dune series. The blog title is paraphrased from the book series. Here’s the full quote if you are interested: “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.” Equally good and important, just too long for a blog title.

Pink elephants are much too cliché for this subject and not that interesting in the current climate we find ourselves in, so today, I want to discuss the lime green polka-dotted meerkat in the room: Fear. Specifically, the fear that is absolutely running rampant in the US around immigration, students, and Visa’s and how the media is not your friend.

Every time I pick up my phone, I see a new piece of bad news for International Students headed to the US. And that’s in India – I cannot imagine with the news looks like in the US. People’s educations, careers, and futures are casually being tossed around like toffees and trash. It must be a truly terrifying time for students who have put at least 12 years into preparing themselves to go for higher education abroad, only to have that possibility start looking like a far-away dream and not a possibility.

When I feel afraid, I get angry – really angry. After the anger fades, I turn very strategic; looking up data points, looking for loopholes or ways forward, or how to manage the damage if options don’t present themselves. I imagine that many students have spent long nights tossing and turning as their minds engage in mental gymnastics.

My college-aged daughter recently told me that everyone in the US is afraid – and I saw it too when I went home last time; they’re terrified. So why in the world are we all so afraid? 1. The most obvious answer to this (I see your eyes rolling from here!) is that it is a very uncertain and frightening time for everyone.  2. The media is actively working to scare you. Fight me, this is a fact. 3. When we have outcomes that have big stakes attached to them, anything threatening can feel scarier than small things.

Fear serves as a useful tool, evolutionarily, for us to sense when there’s something dangerous. However, our bodies sometimes lie or exaggerate; we feel things to be more dangerous than they actually are. Fear also tends to stop us from trying, expanding, and reaching higher. Coming to the US from a different country to study is indeed a very high goal to have – traveling and expanding in that way, in any country, for that matter.

So what do we do to control the fear that makes our hearts race as we consider a very unsettled future? Everyone will have his/her/their own strategies to managing fear, but here are some that we recommend:

1.      Be knowledgeable about Visas/OPT work/H1Bs/immigration issues through reputable agencies or your educational institution. The same way we don’t consult Dr. Google when we’re sick (or at least we shouldn’t), we also shouldn’t turn on the news, or worse read random “news” article pop ups on our phones. They’re over alarmist, not necessarily up-to-date, and meant to provoke a reaction, not give accurate information.

2.      Have a backup Plan. It may be your dream to go to school in the US for any number of reasons. If that is not possible, ensure you are actively working towards giving yourself other options. Yes, it might be disappointing in the short term, but unplanned twists and resulting altered paths in life can be wonderful.

3.      Continue to build your community and friends. Find others in your same or similar boats and maintain connections – they will tide you over in difficult times.

4.      Find agencies or helping resources you can plug into. Acculturis can’t make the US stop being scary or change the tide of political nonsense going on, but we can and do work on fostering cross-cultural communities and helping people with whatever issues they face as students.

5.      Reassure yourself that this, too, shall pass. Empires, political systems, public opinion – as many Midwestern Grandmothers have said for time immemorial, this too shall pass. Just because it looks bad now doesn’t mean that it will last forever.

6.      Pay no attention to the angry, old, orange man behind the curtain and work on yourself development. Seriously – it’s better to ignore the politicians and political environment altogether, aside from your Visa/immigration requirements. Your 20s are a time of intense personal growth and development, and no one can take that away except you. Be excellent and grow no matter what’s going on.

I hope this post helps alleviate some of your fears. It’s an uncertain time, but we shall persist and push through. Since today’s post was quote-heavy, please drop us a comment on your favourite quote or your best way to manage fear. Stay fearless, my friends.

 ~Becky~

On the Edge of Something Good

 Mood: Motivated

Listening to: Diljeet of course.

So as I have mentioned on some other blogs - I've started a business. I won't bore you with too many details in this forum, but part of our strategy is social media and blog posting. I'm sharing a blog here that we are posting as even though the situations aren't matching identially, I feel many students coming in for studies can relate.

Long ago, and indeed very far away,  a very much younger me was laying in my bed, mind racing; My then-husband and I had decided to relocate to India (where he is from) for a while. Of course our motivations weren't anything to do with studying, but motivations hardly mattered at the moment. I felt brave, fearless, and terrified, all at the same time. How would I manage? Would my kids be ok? Would I make friends? What was the infrastructure? Would I be independent? These are just some of the wild thoughts racing through my head. I felt like I was on the cusp of something great and terrible. From my current vantage point years in, my original theory was correct. I can definitely imagine a student staring out the window shortly before departure with many similar questions and concerns.

This was before the days of conveniences like Ola, Zomato, Amazon, and Zepto existed in India. Before the days when ChatGPT had answers to all our questions. As I wondered what life would be like, my mind came up with a lot of wild ideas - I'm truly sorry for my American mindset, all of India is indeed not villages. We had lots of Indian friends, exposure to Bollywood, and some cooking skills. Honestly, I did do research but it wasn't overly effective. At the time, I had no idea what I didn't know. As much as America exists in cultural contexts in the news in India, it doesn't give anything close to a portrait of everyday life or accurate culture for students to go on. 

To make a long and drawn out story much more simple, it was nothing like I had imagined. To be sure, it was damn hard. Those original wild west days without a consistent support system saw a good deal of tears, frustration, and an intense desire to run back to the comfortable, cushy life I was used to. But I do not concede defeat easily. 

Eventually things got easier, as they tend to do. After a while, life got really good, especially with the advent of the conveniences I mentioned above. After living here (and I'm still here!) for such a long time, India in fact became home. For my own reasons and purposes I'm kind of a weird cultural mishmash of things, and India is a chosen home, even if it doesn't choose me back. I raised my kids here, started a career, went through a divorce, bought property, and got remarried. 

Whether it was great, terrible, or both, that moment laying in bed lead to many other choices that have shaped my life in ways I never could have anticipated. I try not to spend too much time thinking about how my life would have been different had I chosen a different path. Sometimes vague curiosity, but otherwise I don't find it too useful as I've never regretted that choice.  

Looking back, what I really could have used in those initial days was a friend or support to help with the adjustment to a totally different place, mindset, culture, and political scenario. I know that moving from the US to India and moving from India to the US are not identical or even particularly similar events. But moving to a completely different environment with the hopes, fears, and opportunities ahead of one is a universal experience. 

This is how Acculturis came into being. Not only have I had this experience, the dedicated folks that work with me in Acculturis have as well. We've all been there and our mission is to help people integrate, settle in with help, and and build their tribes. Ready to find your tribe without the tears and frustration? Visit Acculturis.us to learn how we can help you with your smooth landing.

~Becky~

Medicine and Telling the Truth - Or Why it's Ass for Doctors to Lie to You.

Listening to: To Be With you - Mr. Big

Mood: Productive

Hello Internets. It's me, the blogger who just has too much shit going on. Well, not literal shit, but definitely stuff. I've been wanting to get back into writing for a while now and I definitely have a lot to say. So here we are.

I've talked a lot about the medical system in India. In some ways, it's absolutely amazing. Medical care and medicine is very easily and quickly accessible, affordable, and can be top notch. Doctors, are a little more complex, and not always amazing. They do not always act in the best interest of the patient, and they aren't always transparent or factual about aspects of care.

I considered for a while if I even wanted to speak (figuratively) about this topic. While a great deal of India is after "Reviews", mostly what they want are gold stickers and positive feedback. I agree completely that positive feedback and credit where due is important so I'm going to try to balance the issue that way. I guess what I'm getting after here is that positive aspects and individuals do not excuse negative patterns, behaviors, and individuals. It's not a scale - at least not for me. I'm also planning to write a review though I do not anticipate a positive response from the medical testing facility. 

I've spoken at length as well about India and the allergy here to accountability. The group interest outweighs the interest of individuals, and usually, something dramatically bad (think death) has to happen before anything is done to remedy a situation. If that does happen, it's also used as a political and posturing tool for political parties to wrangle for power. It's disgusting, but believe it or not, you get use to it.

Background: My doctor recommended a test for me recently - I don't want to mention which one for privacy's sake. I happened to know that this particular test can be painful. The doctor also mentioned that it may be slightly uncomfortable (the only honesty I've found in this situation!) and mentioned it to be similar to a pap smear (absolutely not). For this reason, I pursued other options for as long as possible, but the test became necessary. My doctor had mentioned a diagnostic center that offered a "painless service". Again, knowing it can be painful, I decided to try that diagnostic center. When I spoke to the person, they informed that they used "gel" to make it painless. After I reached the facility, I was given a muscle relaxer, a Tylenol, and an injection "that specifically relaxes the muscles in the area". The clinic specifically used the word "painless," and both the doctor/radiologist and nurse assured me it was. They also assured me they would talk me through the procedure so I would know what was happening. I'll spare you further details on the actual procedure. Not only was it painful, but the doctor also did not tell me before doing the painful part that she had assured me she would. This is medical violence. When I spoke up, I was gaslit and told that it was not what she did. She also told me that for the amount of medication I received (which was less, by the way, due to my blood pressure being WAY up due to anxiety), I should not be feeling any discomfort. After I informed her that what I "should" be feeling was irrelevant if I explicitly told her what I was feeling, she left the room, opening the door while I was still in a state of undress, facing the door. Whew. My BP is going up again just thinking about it. It was traumatizing and unnecessary.

I've found that this isn't rare. Doctors do not feel the need or compulsion to establish rapport, maintain honesty, or do what is necessarily in the best interest of patients. I did some research as to what the expectations are in India. Generally, it's agreed upon that honesty (outside of certain, extreme cases) is the best strategy when dealing with patients. In fact, I wouldn't have been quite so upset had the doctor and staff been honest about a bit of pain. But that would have ruined the marketing of a "painless" procedure. 

India doesn't always have continuity of care. Over my years here, my primary doctor and specialists have changed over the years. When you see a new doctor (especially in large, money-driven private hospitals), you aren't always seen as a person by the doctor. They both see far, far too many patients to maintain individual relationships, and don't always figure there will be any consequences later on. 

Unfortunately, I've found that this creates a profound sense of distrust about the medical system. Instead of trusting a doctor to help me feel better, I wonder what I'll run into, what I need to look out for, and if I'm asking ALL the questions I need to. It sets up a combative relationship before you even seek care, which isn't optimal for anyone. It also seems extremely unethical, which creates a lot of dissonance in a country where doctors are revered almost next to God. 

I also feel that not having all the correct information interferes with an individual's choice and autonomy in medical decisions. Most of the doctors that I've run across feel that patients cannot make their own medical decisions due to a lack of knowledge or empowerment. While I do understand why that thinking exists, I don't agree with it at all. Medical autonomy is crucial. Medical violence and the ends justifying the means are not healthy for anyone. Women in particular are subject to this infantilization/withholding information, and it needs to stop.

I'm sure this isn't going to change. I imagine this is a part of the indoctrination (pun intended) for Doctors here as patient management skills. I find it a shame. 

~Becky~

The Updates - it's a positive post!

Mood: Down but rallying

Listening to: The silence, I've had enough music for today

I know my last post was a super bummer and really heavy. Sorry for the trauma dump. I had to follow up because since then, things in my life have started sorting themselves and I want to create space for that too. After I came back I indeed bought my house. We moved in last January and it's been a year of living here together with my partner. I have never loved anything other than my kids more than my house. It's absolutely amazeballs. See my garden blog! (Shameless plug)

I also got married again last May. Just a complete disclosure, it was not easy being married at first. There were a lot of doubts and fights, and adjustments to be made on every end. But I couldn't be happier now. Hopefully that's the last time I have to get married as well. Oh my internets, court weddings in India are a fucking trip. Just like everything else. 

I stopped therapy because I came to realize that my therapist wasn't actually that helpful. She got caught up on a weird power trip about making me cry. And then disappeared off into the ether when I got married for some reason. As if marriage fixes people and I didn't need therapy anymore. I still do, but I have 0 energy to find a new therapist and start over again. Even the thought is exhausting. 

My younger daughter went to stay at a residential therapy program in Coimbatore last year. It was a terrible time, but it was the best thing for her that we knew how to do. She came back and has been up and down since then. She doesn't live with me anymore due to some unfortunate choices on a few different fronts, but I feel we're finally getting her the help she needs, not that we weren't trying before.  

My relationship with my ex husband deteriorated after I got married again, and continues to even further now that I can't have my younger daughter live with me. It's been brutal to go through, but I feel it's best for her and he's her parent too. I see her regularly, just not at home.

I've been trying to launch a business in the US. Go see my Busting into Business blog! (shameless plug number 2!) for more information on that. It's been a great project to jump into and I'm super excited. 

I guess that brings us up to speed. Mostly happiness with a little bittersweet mixed in. 

~Becky~

You can never come home again....Until you Must: The Aftermath

Mood: So mad I could spit

Listening To: Suit Full Video Song - Guru Randhawa Feat. Arjun

I know this blog is a long time coming....like years. And much has changed. But as I renewed my commitment to writing, I was reading that blog entry and couldn't just leave it like that. The story is only half told and so, so very incomplete.

I did end up filing for the divorce myself. By myself. I attended all of the court dates up until the tense end alone (divorce granted 2 days before I was supposed to fly out!), and I got divorced by myself. It was one of the loneliest things I've ever experienced. It was awful and I hope I never have to go through that again.

Things did devolve with Mary (my mom) after my kids came. It was so bad internets. So bad. I can't tell you what it did to my own soul as a mother when my kids saw what was going on and asked why she was behaving like she was. I had no answers why she treated me like shit because she can't control me and doesn't actually like me as a person and it's obvious. Why when she realized that they had grown up and wouldn't be controlled either then she didn't really like them either. Why in the world it was ok to create a whole fucking scene over a disciplinary issue that was between my daughter and I. I had no answers. 

Most of the rest of my extended family couldn't be bothered to visit, though we went to the town they live in, and it was confusing and hurtful. My friends were too busy to be bothered. It was fucking brutal. Not only had home changed, it just didn't exist anymore. I left Illinois pretty sure that I wouldn't ever go back.

But I left with my divorce. And the confidence that I wasn't imagining the behaviors because my kids witnessed it too. It's validating and incredibly guilt-producing because I feel like I should never have brought them - it was my job to protect them. They've since assured me that they don't hold me responsible for her behavior but it's still a struggle for me. 

In the time since, I've slowly been ok with being in contact with Mary, but everything is surface level and unemotional. My kids won't be in touch with her, which I'm fine with. I still wish I could understand her or reach her at an emotional level, but I'm becoming ok with how things are.

Now my brother is getting married in Jamaica. I'm planning to go because for some reason I can't let go of that relationship. Or the semblance of family, I wouldn't really call them relationships. My brother is indifferent to me. My partner won't be coming, it's too much expense and time off of work, so I'll be going alone. I'm fine with this because we're trying for his visa and if it comes through, we'll be visiting my mom in November or December. It's important for him to meet my family. I'm indifferent and it causes me a lot of anxiety about what will happen. I'm not sure I can take another scene like that last visit. 

I know it's a super heavy post, but I understand family estrangements now and why some people choose to not stay in touch with their families. Those are not easy ties to break and if they break there's always a reason. Whew. I think I prefer my garden plants to people.

~Becky~

You can never come home again....Until you must

Listening to: Nothing, night time is silent here

Mood: I guess the stock answer is all over the place, because that's what I am 

Sooooo......i guess where we left off was when I was anxiously waiting to return home. Well, anxiously may be an overstatement, but yeah. Well, I did that. I'm currently camped out in small town USA. It's officially in IL for me if anyone is interested.

There's been much flower planting, cake eating, and well, frankly, much enjoying the single sloth life if I'm being honest. No kids, no agenda, just many sweet things, much reading/wriitng, and much realizing how much I value my step dad. The man talks so much internets. And has an interest in my life and thoughts.

So on to the important stuff: 1. My divorce has stalled out. We had decided to use a service (123divorce.com looking at you here) and it's not going as planned. As in they're not the least bit interested in getting done what I've paid for. I'm looking at a money back tantrum and self filing divorce on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday here). Not ideal.....but I'm not willing to wait longer for something I can do too. Fuckin viva la learn to divorce internets. I bought a house, I can do this too.

Being at home has been.......well let's say interesting for my midwestern US readers. My relationship with my mom has become difficult - long before I came home. I had a lot of anxiety on this, but I'm doing ok. I'm still not happy with everything, but there's no shutting down either. I'm not going to say it's become ok, because it defintiely isn't, but I'm able to do me at the same time, with the hope that while I'm here we can have a few difficult conversations. It will get harder once the kids come, but I'm trying to prepare myself for that too.

I've been focusing on building myself and taking time for what I enjoy - this is the first significant amount of time I've been away from my kids in 20 years. I'm reading tons, writing, and enjoying the gym. I'm also enjoying cake in case anyone didn't get the memo. Fucking wonderful US cake. I'm starting my diet in June, but for now....cake.

I'm facing some things that are difficult from a relationship point of view too. My best friends are busy, my therapist is floating somewhere in the atmostphere, and I'm currently unmedicated. It's interesting. But I'm holding myself together. And not in the fake everything is fine way. It just is what it is and I'm doing good enough for now way. I love it.

People say you can't come home. I agree, but not how I always saw this. You can't come back home to what was, or what you thought home was. Life moves on without you and your home isn't where you left it. You moved on and built a new one. And all your memories moved on as well. Your memories must move through time too, and you must be willing to catch up and let people be who they are currently.

Anyone ever experienced limerance? I have it in a major way. Now that we're discussing it, I've had shades of this my whole life. I currently can't get a person out of my head that I don't know, don't care about, and doesn't know I exist. I thought it was crazy when I got obsessed with Axl Rose. It's even more crazy when it's someone I went to highschool with and have no interest in being with. Yet my brain whispers crazy things. Ew. I do not like it.

I recenly made the mistake of allowing my exhusband to meddle in my current relationship. No no, don't bother, I've already taken off my cheppal and beaten myself with it. Very bad Rebekah. Not done. My partner and I made it through that, but Jesus H Christ. No fucking thank you.

And that's where I've landed Internets. I still feel on top, and I'm enjoying. I hope you do as well.

Content warning on this post I'm not sure why though. Was that too many fucks Blogger? I have two more for you right here.

~Becky~

I'm Buying a Fucking House!

 Mood: All over the place

Listening to: The fan and the birbs screaming

I know that I've been a bit of a Debby Downer lately on this blog - it's all been just a bit much - but I do have a few pieces of exciting news to share. 

First off, I found a therapist. I can only describe the process as extremely random, and I was extremely lucky. She's amazing and at the risk of making it awkward, I love her. As a therapist. Ahem. Therapy, as I'm sure surprises no one who's ever been in therapy, is difficult. Like really difficult. I'm hoping it's worth it in the long run. I also get to meet her in person for the first time tomorrow. I wanted an in person therapist but North Bangalore is a fricking desert in terms of psychological care. Anyhow, I'm anxious and excited. 

Now the big news. I'm sure my title has given it away a bit, but I'm in the middle of buying a house with my partner. It has been one of the most amazing and empowering feelings I've ever had. Me. I'm doing it. I'm fucking buying the house. I've been trying to pin down why this has been a priority my entire life (something with constantly moving and never feeling like I belong anywhere I suppose) and one that I had given up on after starting over financially at 38 with nothing but a few beans and a job.  I'm just over the moon. I have a voice when talking to the developers (who are absolute nonsense rowdies by the way) and I have agency. I am so fucking stoked. Do the kids still say that? I guess not - lets lable it irony.

The divorce has hit a standstill. My ex needed to be in the US during April and we have to have something notarized. It's worked out well from the notary part, but it's stretching out to a ridiculous degree. I'll be going home in May to do my notarizations and file the paperwork. The paperwork by the way is absolutley overwhelming. Not much gets to me in terms of being confusing or scary, but man oh man. We're using a service and not lawyers, so we're largely on our own. Anyhow, I'll be away from my youngest daughter for a month, and away from my partner and India for 3 months. I'm not really looking forward to that part much. It's kind of bad timing on the house bit (Bite off just what I can chew? Are you kidding??) but the house was perfect and would definitely not wait until I came back. 

My daughter is doing better after a medication adjustment and Im beginning to feel hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or perhaps we've just gone around the planet to where the sun shines again until it doesn't, who knows. Getting her to school is still a major battle and I still feel like all of the compromises must come from me. It's tiring. 

I've been riding my roller coaster as I always do. Up, down, sideways. But overall no complaints, things are stable right now. Let's see how it goes.

Becky

I Don't Live There Anymore

Internets, anyone wants to guess what I'm going to say now? That's right - it's been a year to end all years.  I'm still upright and kicking, but as I look back, I can't believe I'm still sane. My previous woes have largely resolved - I have an amazing Team Lead working for me and my oldest has gone off to college and now her life is hers for the better or worse.

I feel things very deeply. I've been very open about the struggles with anxiety and depression that have been my constant companions my entire life. It hasn't been easy. Ever. But I guess that's the way life is, everyone has their own difficulties. 

I find myself stuggling with feeling alone. On the surface I'm very ok with being alone. I don't mind physically being alone. But I very very much mind feeling alone. It's something I've struggled with my entire life and have developed some very unhealthy coping mechanisms dealing with.  It's lead to a lot of codependent behaviors in my relationships that at the end of the day make me and my partner miserable.

I've been open with my struggles with health care, both in the US and in India. It's a maddening game of dice as to whether you'll get quality care or not. And that's just for identifiable physical issues. But not PCOS/hormone issues - that's absurd getting a solid answer. Take your vitamin D and do yoga already. Ahem. Put onion juice in your hair. Ahem. Not bitter at all. 

Mental health has been something that my whole family has been dealing with as my youngest has been struggling with a major depressive episode. We've had very trust breaking experiences with a psychiatrist, a few episodes with addictive psych meds, and luckily one very supportive councelor. Who is now moving and we can't follow her. Le Sigh. It's been a lot. 

Caring for someone else who needs intensive care, be it physical or mental, is a very exhausting task for any care taker, no matter how much they love the person and are ready to do what it takes. I thought single parenting was hard, that completely paled with what we went through this year. Had it not been for my partner I don't think we would have made it. Even the strongest people have to tap strength from somewhere on occasion.  When the caretaker is struggling with mental issues him or herself, the burden is triple. Thankfully, my daughter is amazing and is doing a lot of hard work to get better. I'm so proud of her. So fucking proud, internets. 

I've never considered seeing a therapist in my life and I'm actually trying to find one, again, because I feel the need for the support and self improvement so badly. As I mentioned, it can be great, or.....not. My first therapist was definitely not for me. We'll leave it at that.  Finding a quality physical doctor is hard enough in India - quality mental health professionals are almost like unicorns. 

In the midst of this, it has become apparent to my ex husband and I that it's time for us to actually get divorced. There were/are difficulties I won't get into - because they're boring - and both of us have moved on long back. We're both happy and wish each other the best. I still work for him and nothing in the divorce will be contentious. But the process has sparked a lot of anxiety about finances and finally being alone. Of course I've been alone for the past 3 years, but this is finality type alone. I'm ok with it, but it's damn scary.

My relationship with my partner isn't always easy either. I can't figure out if it's me, or him, or both of us. The constant push and pull is super stressful and I've lost some of my inner voice that makes sense of things. I will be getting married again to this person at some point, and I'm terrified that I'm going to repeat my mistakes and find myself again in a situation where I'm not safe or loved. One main reason for a therapist. I want someone to help me sort these feelings. 

Both of these gentlemen are very far from Bangalore at the moment, so I am indeed on my own. 

Anyhow, one of the strategies that I am using to deal with unhealthy behaviors and avoiding living in the past is reminding myself that I don't live there anymore. Many things have changed and I have made so much progress that I don't need to resort to the strategies that served me before. I'll be honest internets, this works approx 50% of the time for behavioral changes and doesn't really do shit for my anxiety. I don't live there anymore. Let's see where else I can reach.

~Becky~

Back on the Therapy Couch

 Mood: Sedated

Listening to: The birds singing and the odd non-lockdown type traffic

I'm back for another round of self analysis and therapeutic writing. I know, I know; always another problem. But writing is my only hope these days now that I actually value a functioning liver. 

The past few weeks - and if we want to be completely honest, the past 6 months - have been a rough ride. COVID has marched back in to Fuck Up People's Lives once again,  I am back at home and not in the office, my kids are not in school, and work has turned into a 5 ring circus complete with flaming bowling pins I am supposed to be juggling. On top of that, my boyfriend has fucked off to his home state for a very long time and I'm dealing with some pretty tough issues with my elder daughter. I also have both my kids all the time now. Both my ex husband and my children have made it quite impossible for me to have them stay with him. 

I have pretty good stamina for treading water and keeping my head above - both physically and metaphorically. But as with anyone I suppose, I reach a point where it all just becomes too much. I'm at one of those points right now. They key is to keep kicking just enough so that you don't drown, because once you go under, it's 3 times as hard to kick your way back to the surface. I can't afford to go to bed for a few weeks and ignore everything that's bothering me. 

I've talked many times about how I very much strive to be good at things. ALL THE THINGS. As I've been thinking about what is going wrong recently, I've been questioning some of my goals. I have been known to bite off the wrong amount on occasion. Ahem Ahem. But I don't think that's the case in my current situation. I recently made a big mistake at work. The kind that make people wonder if they should actually fire you for. It's no secret, I'm handling way more than I should be or am qualified for. But I do my job well most of the time and do not drop much. I am vastly understaffed and the strategy I have been using thus far needs to be re-thought. I find myself struggling to keep up with a rapidly changing company and position. I have the same thoughts about my parenting skills. No one will ever mistake me for the world's best parent, but I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Very wrong.  

Now that I've thought about it, those are the two issues that are really bothering me at present - work, and the parenting issue. And my support system being in a village thousands of miles away. Not cool. The rest are irritating, but will pass eventually. I have this unfortunate tendency to let ALL THE THINGS overwhelm me rather than just sitting down and paying attention to the root cause of what's bothering me and then making changes. Blah blah blah, healthy self aware adult behaviors blah blah. My strategy once I do identify these things is to identify the root cause and then try to change procedure until the situation has to change in the way I want it to. It's mainly effective, but not always. 

Now that I've done this little exercise, I feel much better. Writing therapy successful.

On a brighter note, the gym has opened again, and I have quite a few sore muscles. Working out at home is not my cup of tea. 

Becky

The Gallstones are Coming, The Gallstones are Coming!

 Listening to: Roseanna - Wheezer version

Mood:  Flighty

So yes, if anyone hasn't noticed, I like corny jokes. It's not red coats, it's gallstones. Ahem ahem. Never mind. 

Unfortunately, they aren't theoretical gallstones, they were real, and painful as fuck. There was a 6 am trip to the ER, a missing COVID test, a small surgery, more pain (oh so much more pain), and finally me sitting on my couch recovering. I have the remaining gallstones as a souvenir to gross out my kids and remind me that health is precious. In short, it's been a massive fuckery of a year since January. 

On a slightly separate note, while my bank account balance has disappeared after all this jumping around, my experience with Columbia Asia was dramatically and completely different (in an amazing way) than Motherhood. The hospital was organized, clean, and overall painless (mentally at least!). It also cost me less than I thought it would. For this, I'm immensely grateful.

I'm hoping I'm quite done with the health issues for a while - there have been more this year than I've had in my entire life, and I'm very committed to eating more healthy. 

Here's hoping the life finds you in better health than me!

~Becky~

What have you done in Life?

 Mood: Contemplative

Listening to: Jhoom Jhoom Ta Hua Main

I'll turn 40 this September. I'll hit midlife (not really, Im going to live to 140) around the time when Covid is hitting it's second stride properly. It sucks donkey balls folks. Office, gym and pool have again closed and I fucking hate it.

I look around me and I see signs of success wherever I look. People can afford property, fancy vehicles, blah blah blah. It comes rather surprising to me that I'm actually looking around - I've never been one for comparisons. At 39, I'm well and truly separated from a marriage - and on to a serious relationship. I never wanted nor had any control over my personal finances. Big mistake.  "Boyfriend," or so he has come to be called by my children, has gone home and is renovating his childhood home. While I'm happy for him that his family can afford to do this, I can't help but wonder how it would be when 10 lakh ruppees (around 13.6k dollars) would be something that was within reach for me. It sounds ridiculous, both from what I should be able to afford, and what I definitely cannot. I have a commitment for half of that towards a car. Which I don't even have yet because of stupidity.

No doubt I'm proud of where I've come in terms of taking control of my own fate, and building my own savings. But I still feel I have so so far to go. I plan to buy a house (my own freestanding house) within 5 years. I'm not sure if I'll get there, but I plan to put up a damn good fight. The thing on my mind today, is how we define success. It was always easy to say that my husband would be successful one day and that it didn't bother me that it wasn't that specific day. Its not so easy to say that my success can come at it's own pace. Of course this leads to thoughts of my never getting out of a rented apartment - a very depressing thought indeed. 

Internets, I'm theoretically half way through my earning years. And all I have to show for it is a janky piano and a new car I don't have yet. Rest all I have household goods not worth much, 0 property in a land where property is king, and 0 gold. Not an enviable position to be in. True - I don't owe anyone anything, but for half my life, I have nothing to show. I somehow feel I have failed at life so far.  I know it's not rational, and I can account for my time. But when even laborers can claim land, what do I have?

~Becky~

For When You Earn Your Body's Compliance

Listening to: Ek Ladki Bhigi Bhigi Si Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi

Mood: A Pleasant Exhausted

I know I've been whining a lot and it's been a rough 3 - 4 months, so I decided to focus on positive things today. 

Since Lockdown (and indeed on and off before then) I have been focusing my attention on whipping my sadly out of shape body into a shape besides overweight potato. If you've ready my blog in the past, or know me, you know that my weight has been an issue for me since I had my kids. My youngest is 13, so this isn't a new story. 

I've had on and off success over the years and try and focus on health rather than the numbers on the scale. The best success I had was a few years back when I started distance swimming. I was doing 3.5k KM a day. I lost around 30 lbs and was fit as anything.  Then my marriage and sense of self esteem tanked and I undid all the good work. I had begun to put myself back together when COVID hit. And of course the pool became off limits for a long time. 

I did my best at home, bought weights and all. It was a good beginning, but not cutting it for fitness. When the gym in my complex opened, my partner encouraged me to go and started his own fitness journey. Since then, I've been weight lifting and doing cardio. It took a very long time to see changes. 

Well halle-fucking-lujia, the pool has opened again. And I have been at it like a fiend for a week. I have already lost 4 pounds and can see a difference in how my clothes fit and my body looks. I fucking love it. I was happy to find out that I was able to complete a whole 3.5k - I had my doubts because it had been so long. But I was able and I haven't looked back. Let me tell you internets, it's not a cake walk - it's fucking exhausting. But I'm never so proud of myself as when I climb out of the pool after a full set.

The biggest challenge ahead is just to keep moving the same direction exercise wise and control my diet. This is the hard one because I sure do love to eat. Especially stuff that's not good for me. Ahem. 

Another unpleasant discovery of mine is that my BP is going buck wild and is way too high. I'm hoping that exercise and a better diet can bring it down, but I may need medication. Let's see how it goes. 

There's a benefit to being stubborn and getting back up and working on things even if you fail. 

~Becky~

When Principles make you an Idiot

Listening to: My birds taking a bath

Mood: Meh

I've always been a person who has been cursed with principles and firm ideas on fairness and what's right and not right. Like the rest of my family, woe to anyone who tries to take advantage of me or do the wrong thing. I know, it's annoying. 

My recent hospital adventures have left me feeling very drained and discouraged. I have heard from a couple of different directions that it's my expectations and ideas about fairness that are wrong in this situation - all insurance companies and hospitals are exactly the same. None of them give a fuck about consumers (ok this I knew), nor will anyone give any explanation about the charges that they have decided mysteriously they won't pay for. 

It's very deflating to hear that overall, people just accept such a shitty system. All while mouthing that of course I have the right to an explanation (which the hospital will never actually give), and to confront my insurance company (you will never get an answer, forget an explanation). 

The most irritating thing for me is that if they would have been less deceptive right from the get-go, I probably would have been fine with accepting the amount being asked of me. But not only was it not explained ahead of time (not giving actual facts), they hide the process behind so much bullshit it's astonishing. It's as if they are trying to actively manage a script so that people accept that the bullshit is normal. It's completely not. But if it was explained that way to me, I think I would have been more accepting. 

After hearing this, I wonder if it wouldn't just be better to pay and bear the loss as well as the behavior just so that I can have my own test results. Even my partner is saying the same thing.

Ugh. I fucking hate people some days.

~Becky~

The Great Indian Medical Experience

Mood: Relaxed

Listening to: Traffic Outside

I wanted to post a follow up to my last blog as things have changed. After going through a few weeks of antibiotics and other treatments (and one random yeast infection!) the bleeding issue wasn't resolving. The doctor pushed for me to undergo a surgery where they will check out what is going on inside, take samples for a biopsy, and cauterize any areas that were still bleeding to help solve the problem. 

I put it off for a while, as I needed to investigate insurance and wanted to to go Goa before this happened. The doc got a bit pushy with me to get it done, but I thought this was just her personality. 

I'm going to pause a minute here and explain hospitals and how that works in India. There are 2 types - Government and Private. Government hospitals are cost subsidized and meant for the masses. They also are dirty and the health care can be questionable - to be avoided at all costs if possible.  Private hospitals on the other hand are too expensive to be accessible by the General Public. But they are overall clean and well organized with adequate medical equipment. It is mandatory for businesses to have medical insurance for their employees,  and our company has good medical insurance. 

When I was deciding if this was something I wanted to get done I did my due diligence on our insurance. It seemed to cover my procedure and there wasn't much I needed to do.  That's when the nonsense began dear reader, oh the nonsense. 

My doc informed me that I would need to visit the FRRO (basically how the government keeps tabs on foreigners) office and get a permission for surgery. Of course this is no where near my home, but I dutifully went. Upon arrival, I was looked at like I was crazy and informed that permission was not needed - go home. Upon confronting my doc, she said, oh, yes, you can leave then, go home. I was not impressed.

I got an update from the hospital that I had been pre-approved for insurance. I asked what that meant and they told pre-approval was required. Post approval would be given afterwards. Cost was given as Rs. 23,000.  I asked if they could withdraw approval afterwards and was told no.  I scheduled the surgery with my doctor. I was supposed to show up at 6:30 for surgery at 9. 

I arranged for someone to come with me and off I went. Registration went fine, and then the nonsense continued. The facility was deserted and very dirty. I was prepped for surgery in the most unprofessional way. Unnecessary procedures, nurses who didn't know how to start an IV, it was a mess.  The doctor was no where to be found at 9. The anesthesiologist then informed me that the person who came with me couldn't be in the room. This was in direct contrast to what I had asked the doctor previously. Oh well, you didn't ask me. Um what??

I had general anesthesia and woke up afterwards. There wasn't much pain, but a lot of pressure from packing, which I'll come to in a minute. I felt quite out of it, but otherwise fine. I was left alone with my friend to recuperate in a room. I was sitting up and talking, and we watched TV for a while. As the afternoon wore on, both my friend and I got restless. Then they sent a nurse in to remove the packing. This was the most uncomfortable, painful things to happen to me in quite some time. The packing was way up in my body, behind something they had just operated and cauterized, and the nurse had almost her whole hand inside me trying to dig it out. There was a smart ass helper too who asked me if it hurt. Nope, those grimaces, gasps, and squirming were for fun you donkey.  Blood was backing up into my IV, so they also unhooked my IV but left the needle in for some reason.

After she was done, we sat around for a while longer waiting. The nurse said something something to herself about beginning discharge. At 4 pm. We waited around a while before asking when discharge would be complete. We were told we had to wait for insurance approval, which would take 3 - 4 hours. Wait, what the what? I informed the nurse that certainly I would not be sitting around until 9 pm or later and asked for my iv to be removed. She did so and informed me that she would not give any discharge papers or post op instructions until after insurance had been sorted. We then went and had a useless conversation with the billing department and called the insurance company too. They were apathetic at best. I informed billing too that we would not be staying. We went back to find the nurse once more, but were told that she had gone outside. We then left.

When I had almost reached home, the hospital called me shouting about why I had left. The nurse straight up lied and said I hadn't said anything about leaving and that she never said she wouldn't give discharge instructions. They also called the doctor who started harassing me, then later the billing department. They did not give one fuck about my time and making me sit around and wait, but wanted their payment right that minute. I informed that I would not be coming back then and that I would have to reach out to my insurance company to see why there was an amount left to pay. The billing department refused to discuss it with me unless I came back to the hospital. I spoke to a few other people about this, and it seems they don't want you to leave because then they cannot bully you into paying right away. 

The hospital billed my insurance incorrectly for the procedure. In the end, they billed the insurance company for almost 60K. My insurance also has a list of "Consumables" that patients must pay for. Things like syringes, gauze, pads, etc. It's a complete scam as the patient cannot really say no to any of the items needed and the hospital or insurance company didn't even follow this list. As the hospital refused to give an explanation for anything billed - including things I refused - it seems to me like the hospitals and insurance companies are in on this scam. 

They continued to harass me the next two days. I stopped answering my phone. I got in touch with my insurance provider, who did absolutely nothing and didn't answer my question. I also raised a complaint with the policy aggregator and am supposed to hear back from them on Monday.  I have a huge nasty looking bruise where she couldn't get the IV in, and I found bruises inside myself from where she dug the packing out. 

Overall, I'd recommend never ever going near Motherhood Hospital in Kalyan Nagar. They only care about making money and do not operate fairly or give a fuck about a patient's time or well being. I also wouldn't count on ICICI Lombard to do things fairly either.  As I feared, going anywhere near a medical institution is to be avoided at all costs. I just hope that whatever she did solved my problem rather than just raise my blood pressure and put me through unnecessary nonsense. As for the result of the biopsies, we'll see if I ever see those. It depends on if I get a fair answer from the insurance company. 

~Becky~

For When Your Body Betrays You

Good afternoon intrepid readers. I hope you are all happy and healthy. Just a preface/fair warning - this post isn't about fucking COVID. I'm pretty tired of talking and hearing about COVID, and thankfully that isn't what I need to talk about this afternoon.

I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I've seen both excellent and terrible ones. As my youngest daughter has chronic and sometimes severe eczema, we are indeed exposed to many different levels of greatness and jackassery. It's quite the rare occasion that I have health problems. A few years back, I noticed that I was having quite a few symptoms of POCS. (hello facial hair!)  In this miraculous age of the Google Gods, I of course set about searching for answers. I know what doctors think of people who do this, but hey, at least it wasn't Web MD; I would have been pronounced dead long ago. Ahem. My mom is a nurse. I also happen to have the variety of nerdery that makes me read medical dictionaries/textbooks and remember quite a good deal just for giggles. My point is, I'm not completely ignorant. 

I also had random bleeding, which was quite alarming, and I knew it wasn't something I could ignore as it could indicate something more serious than a hormone disorder. So off I went to my doc, armed with what I had discovered, confident that she could take in all of the symptoms and help me sort it out. I got some meds and a green light from my doc that I was fine. Rather confused, I went home relieved but not entirely convinced. After all, my symptoms weren't imaginary and she hadn't even done a checkup.

As things oftentimes go, I got busy and didn't pursue it for quite some time. I finally thought that I should consult with an Endocrinologist, as they are the ones who will understand hormones and my BP had been fluctuating quite alarmingly. This doc took in my complaints, suggested weightlifting, eating less, and ordered some more tests. Which I dutifully did. My blood sugar came back startlingly high. Of course another thing Endocrinologists are concerned with is diabetes. Understandably, they tend to look at the most obvious symptoms and make a plan as such. So I ended up with through-the-roof anxiety, and a blood sugar monitor that I had to wear for a few weeks. In the end, it turns out that maybe I just had too much sugar in my coffee before the appointment. He also gave me a clean bill of health. I was confused, as high sugar and BP are both signs of PCOS, but I was again just given the advice of exercise, eating less, and for god's sake it's just stress.

I again trudged off home, relieved that I was not going to have to deal with diabetes at a relatively young age (the diabetus is no joke internets), but confused as to why he had not investigated any of the other symptoms I had told him about. As time tends to, it went by and I didn't pursue anything for a while.

The bleeding continued and I went back to the Google Gods to try to find things I could do to help it. I ended up taking quite a number of vitamins. While this did help the overall PCOS symptoms a great deal, it didn't deal with the bleeding. I chose a gynecologist in an international hospital, hoping that she would be a little more conscientious than the neighborhood doc I had seen before. She did do an exam, and wrote down some tests she wanted me to do. I dutifully got them done and was told that my pap smear was clean, my cervix was absolutely fine. I should of course relax and maybe try birth control or onion juice for my hair loss. Oh yes internets - someone who went to medical school suggested I relax and put onion juice in my hair. If there's one thing that irritates a woman more than hearing "calm down", it's "you need to relax".

I gave it a shot - the pills, not the onion juice - and tried for 6 months. As far as I know, I was protected from a pregnancy I could not possibly have had, but nothing else. It did zero for any other symptoms.  I went back to the doc and she gave another pill to try. I again dutifully tried for 6 months with the same results. By this point, I'm sure you can imagine I was quite fed up.

And then COVID happened. So there were no doctors that were seeing non-COVID or emergency/chronic patients at all. To be honest, I had given up a little by this point. I didn't care if doctors were available or not. I figured the bleeding was just going to be something that would plague me for some time to come.

Fast forward to a few weeks back. As we HAD to seek treatment for my daughter's skin (another day, another story), I was a bit surprised to see clinics open. I thought I will try again. I found a high rated doc on a doc rating website and scheduled an online consult. She listened well and did her best to suggest things online. At the end of our discussion, she told me she would like to examine me, so off to the clinic I went. We had a discussion and another exam. She was quite concerned by what she saw. There were definitely some physical reasons for my symptoms. 

Now this was both a deep sigh of relief and also one of deep concern. My symptoms were something, and there was a physical reason for them that was apparent. Unfortunately, it's cervical bleeding and the causes of this in general aren't good. 

The doctor told me that one of my test results had indicated an infection - and that I may still have one, possibly an STD. This could cause the problem, and she prescribed strong antibiotics along with a few other things. Obviously this was not good news for me and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with this information. I haven't gotten the PAP smear nor other test results yet, so I suppose I can decide what to do at that time. I am to take the antibiotics for a few weeks and then go back for a check up. If healing has occurred, then we know the cause. If not, then I will need to go for a cervical biopsy to see if I have cervical cancer. 

My anxiety has again shot up and I can't help but wonder why after all the things that have happened over the last few years weren't enough. I thought I was finally getting a grip on my life and letting myself relax and enjoy the new direction. I feel incredibly betrayed by my own body - to say nothing of other betrayals if the infection is an STD. I have been telling myself that I can't do anything about the future right now and that I have to just manage today, but for someone with anxiety, it doesn't really control the thoughts about what if nor the elaborate imaginary scenarios that play out in the head. Whew. It's been a rough one internets.

~Becky~

For When You Discover Your Best Wasn't Enough, and Never Will Be

 Mood: Exhausted and down

Listening to: Shiva Tandava Stotram Original Powerful & Best Trance

As I've previously mentioned, the last year or so has been a time when I've been putting a lot of focus inward and trying to fix some of the self destructive behaviors I've come to rely on and actually fix some of the gaping holes in me rather than ignoring them or applying a nice bright band aid when surgery is actually needed. It's been exhausting, difficult, and I haven't always succeeded or made progress in every direction. But I have made progress. And continue to fight to do so. 

I'm a weird mix of I need people to recognize me and I don't care what people think. I suppose recognition is a basic want of most people, so  I don't feel too bad about this. Being able to be ok if people don't recognize my efforts or my work has been something relatively new. It's glorious. However I find this incredibly difficult to do when it's someone I very much care for. 

If my marriage taught me anything, its that no one should have much of a say in how much I like myself, and self acceptance really has nothing to do with anyone else at all. Such easy words to say, not always easy concepts to internalize and honor.

I'm also a type A when it comes to being good at what I do. Everything. I want to be good at everything. Obviously this is not possible, and I'm not delusional to think that I'm good at everything. I very much am not. But I want to be. Badly. So finding those things that I'm not really good at, or that I will never be enough for someone's standard really is difficult for me. I've made some progress on making myself recognize that I'm not good at certain things and never will be. 

It's a particularly devastating feeling for me when I recognize this in my partner, especially considering that this was such a problem in my marriage. Unfortunately, the issues in question aren't small things. It's not something like leaving the toilet seat up or down. They are issues that I feel are tied to compatibility and honor. Ones that you can't work around if someone finds you not suiting their needs. 

Of course this has led to much over thinking and contemplation on suitability on my end.  I'm not sure what to do with this realization. Or even if I should do anything. 

~Becky~

The Brain Meltiness of Learning Another Language

Listening to: I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran and Justin Beiber

Mood: In a fish fry mood

For those whom I haven't mentioned it to, I've been working on learning Hindi for the past.....10 years or so. Now you might think that hey, she probably is quite fluent. You dear reader are wrong. So very wrong. I try, very hard, but getting things to come out in the correct fashion is still eluding me beyond interactions with the vegetable market. And I suspect they find it cute and just control their laughter.

My best friend is a native Hindi speaker (as well as a few other exotic languages like Pahadi and Punjabi I think). We tend to joke around a lot and there's a Hindi phrase that gets tossed around quite a bit. I'm not going to share that phrase because it will not translate well and I don't want to explain the whole inside joke. Moving on. I decided today that I was going to take that phrase and turn it into a double meaning limerick type rhyme. 

Now, I'm no English genius either. However, being musically inclined has made me have an ear for rhythm and well, dear readers, double meaning items (poems, songs, etc) just make me insanely happy. So I banged my head for a while coming up with rhyming words for that phrase. Think you know another language readers? Try to rhyme in it. Oh. My. God. Then try to make the grammar work out in a way that isn't horrifying. Then take out your shotgun and pray because it probably didn't.

Anyhow, I did this, and apologized in advance for any butchery. But to be honest, I was very tickled with the fact that it rhymed and did a decent job with the meter and double meanings. Until my *very tactful* friend, in the very nicest way possible said, ".......how about you translate for me."

Oh God damn it readers. When someone says that, it means whatever you were trying to say has been butchered beyond belief or redemption.  I just started laughing because I knew I had completely fucked it up. 

I put him off for a while because things don't always translate back well and it would destroy the rhyme to see it in English. He insisted, so I translated the poem that I had to translate into Hindi, back into English. And reader it was gruesome.  To sum up this whole story, only I thought it was funny and I cluster bombed a language I've been learning forever.

Ew. After learning for this long, I'm continually impressed with people who pick up languages quickly, especially languages that are not in the family of their mother tongue. Hats off to you.

~Becky~

Being Apart

Listening to: Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen
Mood: Contemplative

I don't talk much about the downsides of my decision to move half way around the world  - mainly because I don't focus on them. But I want to talk about them today.

I think the worst thing about being in India is that my family is most notably not it India. They are firmly ensconced in the Midwest. as they have been for a few generations.

I was talking with my daughter recently about how sometimes it creates disappointment when life and family don't turn out how you had hoped. I'm sure my mother deals with this, my grandfather, my inlaws, etc. I'm sure they saw their relationships turning out differently than they had.

It's actually hard to talk to my family sometimes. I miss them like crazy, but it's hard to reconcile for me that I'm the reason for that disappointment due to my choices. I was always the good child/grandchild. India is so fulfilling for me, it's hard to  be ok with disappointing so many people with my choices.

Covid has made this rather difficult as I truly wanted and planned to visit home every year going forward. And then I couldn't. I'm ever mindful that my family grows older by the year - My Grandfather is turning 94 next month! I know that my time is limited and every moment going by is precious. Even my mom turned 64 this year.

When you don't have anything current you can relate to you rely on history to patch you through. I called my grandfather today. I used to be very good at this and call regularly when my grandmother was alive; since she died it's been harder. Most of our conversation was reminiscing, but it was so nice to reconnect with my grandfather. He was such an influential person in my life and positive male role model.

One of the fallouts from my separation from my husband was that it was difficult to talk to different people because of secrets. I don't think my grandfather has any idea that life has taken this curve for me, and I don't want him to know. He suffered enough when my mom got divorced. So I have to answer questions about how he is doing, how his family is doing. I wouldn't know.

I'm not sure how anyone who has walked this path has reconciled, and I do the best I can. Family is the best source of strength and the worst source of many weaknesses. I'm still learning how to lean on people and how I need to be there for them.

~Becky~

The Sun is Peaking Out

Listening to: Qabool Hai
Mood: Positive

Hello Locked down folks. Hope you are all healthy and happy still. 

Last time I wrote, I talked about my anxiety and depression and the situation that we find ourselves in. Things have gotten better since that post. Anxiety and depression tend to follow a cycle for me. The bad times last anywhere from weeks to months, depending on the situation and my response to it. There are definitely things I can do to help, but how long it sticks around is not always in my control. 

Anyhow, things have been improving and the noticeable things about the cycle easing are there.  I also had a discussion with my friend on how this affected me. It was a very uncomfortable conversation for me, but I feel we understand each other better now. 

I have been trying new things in the kitchen and have been cooking like a mad woman lately, with very tasty results. I also have been working on my second novel quite a bit, which is making me very happy. Unfortunately, I have not been able to do much on the piano as it needs work and trying to play out of tune just makes me want to puke. At least one child has been in my home for the past few weeks, so that helps as well, giving me things to do. 

Stay happy and healthy!

Becky